So if you follow me on Twitter you know I hate the Kardashians. (Am I using that forum appropriately?) But outside of the obvious reasons to hate them, I came across this gem. Apparently, the Kardashians were a little perturbed that the President doesn’t like the idea of his 13 and 10 year-old girls watching their “reality show”. Really?!? This comes as a shock to you?
Shrek, I mean Khloe responded, “I don’t understand. He like told me he liked the show when I visited the White House!!! Seriously, you guys he did!” (I’m paraphrasing a bit, but look it up. I’m pretty close) Ok, I mean I was pretty confident these chicks were dumb, but now I have evidence. Seriously, just because you are trying to make it sound as if you were a distinguished guest to the White House, when in fact, the only reason you were there is that your husband (who must have INCREDIBLY low standards) was invited along with the rest of Kobe’s coattail riders, I mean the Lakers. Also your being a “celebrity” does not mean that you are above The President of the United States bestowing upon you disingenuous pleasantries. When my grandmother asks me if I like the raw celery with pimento cheese she makes every Thanksgiving and Christmas, I pretty much do the same. IT’S CALLED BEING POLITE. Actually, never mind, it makes perfect sense that she would have no grasp of this concept.
But, fortunately the battle did not stop there. No, these talentless fame whores would defend themselves. Seriously, is there anything better than when talentless and unintelligent fame whores defend themselves? I like to think of this as the opening of hunting season for me. “The girls could really learn something by watching the show because it shows girls facing real life problems: health, relationships the whole gamut.” Oh. Dear. Lord. This one quote is like a wounded gazelle on the Serengeti. It is just begging to be eaten alive. There’s so much in there, and it is only 23 words, very Hemmingway of you Shrek. Well done. I’m so excited that I don’t know where to really begin, but let’s start with the absurdity of the situation.
The Kardashians are shocked to discover that the President and First Lady, who hold a combined 4 DEGREES FROM IVY LEAGUE INSTITUTIONS AND ARE BOTH LICENSED LAWYERS, might be a little bit apprehensive to let their 10 and 13 year olds watch a “reality” show that chronicles: your experiences getting plastic surgery and botox, your dealings with the hardships that come following your sex tape being released to the public, your getting knocked up by a leach/total douche (Actually truth be known, Scott you’re OK in my book. You use their fame whore cluelessness to your own gain. Life gave you lemons, and you made yourself a lemon drop martini. Here’s to you…), or about how life is SOOOOOOO hard for you? Really? This is shocking to you? Allow me to break it down for you. See this is where the leader of the free world might have an issue. A combined one college degree has been earned amongst the wonderful mother and three precious princesses. And no it wasn’t the mother. Kortney (the one who’s actually somewhat attractive until you remember the fact she’s a Kardashian) holds the distinguished degree in Theater Arts from the University of Arizona. Please hold your applause until the end. Kim attended Marymount High School and graduated. My personal favorite though is dear sweet beloved Shrek. She had to leave Marymount High because she had trouble fitting through the doors, I mean, fitting in. So… wait for it, wait for it, she graduated from home school with HONORS. (Not kidding look it up. Seriously Shrek were you voted most popular too?) So, for a man who was the editor and president of the Harvard Law Review, one can see how he might be slightly skeptical that there is really anything to be “learned” from your enlightened selves. But Jeffrey, there are some many other kinds of smart other than book smart! Touché…But recognizing and exploiting your have new found fame, thanks to a sex tape you made with Moesha’s little brother, does not make you intelligent, it makes you a prostitute. Seriously, you can justify and rationalize it anyway you want, but the cold hard truth is if you have a sex tape floating around through cyber space, you’re a whore. Something tells me that the President isn’t hoping his daughters will learn the valuable lesson of how a sex tape can make you a star over night.
Second, while one can’t argue that the Obama girls could learn from observing how other high profile children grew up and dealt with scrutiny, I doubt the President hoped that his daughters would one day learn from the set of children who are high profile because their dad read OJ’s suicide note and also helped him escape justice for committing you know, murder. But for the sake of argument, let’s say he was using blow again and under the impression his girls could learn from these “real life girls”.
First, according to Shrek, they could learn about health. What better place to learn about good health than high society Los Angeles? If you don’t like something about yourself, you can fix that with one quick trip to your neighborhood plastic surgeon or with any of a wide variety of effective diets (aka Eating Disorders). What better lesson is there to teach the young ladies of this nation than that? (Side note, Mr. President, you should probably celebrate their line of work because it seems to me they are the only citizens that make anything anymore.) As momma Kris so eloquently put it, “I needed a little freshening up before the wedding. Just doing what a girl’s gotta do!” (Side note ‘s after a noun can either show possession, or it can be used as a contraction to shorten the previous noun and the verb “is”, not the verb “has”. But seriously, she’s really smart, except for the part when she has to actually prove it.)
Last but certainly not in the least, let’s take a look at the valuable lessons that can be learned from the Kardashians when dealing with relationships. First, Khloe shows us that even if you are an incredibly disproportionate and unattractive girl, a rich NBA basketball player is still out there for you. It also helps if you can hang around more attractive girls at a party, so that when said drunk NBA star is trying to nail some strange, he won’t notice that you resemble a DreamWorks character more so than a model. And now time for the main event, (Sorry Kortney basically all that can be learned from you is that if you get knocked up by a tool, you basically have to keep him around for the cameras because drama is never more than a solid 3 feet away. And after all it’s just good business sense to keep that around.) Kim. You know what I found the most absurd about Kim’s whole “Fairytale Wedding”? (Keep in mind I did not watch a second of it because call me old fashioned, but I happen to think a 4 hour made for TV special capturing someone’s commitment for what I assumed wouldn’t last the decade to be an abomination. I think SportsCenter was on too.) THIS WAS HER 2ND MARRIAGE! I don’t know about your experiences with second weddings, but mine goes a little something like this. They are usually very small intimate ceremonies that are attended by family and extremely close friends, not the Entertainment Channel and People Magazine. (See Reese Witherspoon for an example of how to go about this process, Kimmy) This is so because people on their second marriage realize what it really is, a triumph of hope over experience. (Also, they won’t feel nearly as guilty about what to do about gifts if things don't work out yet again.) "It didn’t work the first time because I’m a horrible and selfish person, but this time it’s going to be magical!!!" And lucrative….Kim’s fairytale wedding made her nearly $18 million dollars. Yeah marriage sure is sacred all right. This chick just made $18 million dollars on a SECOND WEDDING! I don’t even want to think about what the divorce special will earn her, let alone the “A Revised Fairytale: Third Time’s the Charm Wedding Special”. And don’t give me the defense that her mom, who is her manager, said she didn’t make anything off of the wedding. We’ve already established her mom has as much credibility as OJ (Simpson not the breakfast refreshment that is so solid both on its own or with champagne and/or vodka.). So again the Kardashians have taught us something that we weren’t aware of before. You can get married for a second time, throw out some nice buzz words like "fairytale" and "Kardashian", file for divorce after 72 days (seems like an acceptable number because by then people may have already forgotten about the wedding), and still laugh all the way to the bank.
So Malia and Sasha (as I’m sure you’re reading this) you can clearly see that the Kardashians and their infinite wisdom have so much to share with the world. They can teach you about life, love, and the capitalization of undeserved fame. But most importantly, I hope you recognize the most important lesson that the Kardashians have taught us. There are millions of Americans out there who are clearly dumb and impressionable, and you too can exploit them to make millions upon millions of dollars. Because after all, that is what the American Dream is all about.
My name is Jeffrey, and these are my thoughts…
