Hey America, We're Number One. Now Let's Act Like It

This is what every list should look like, America on Top.

“If you ain’t first, you’re last.”  These are the words of the 21^st century philosopher Richard Bobby, and I for one couldn’t agree more.  Quick, who lost the 2009 NCAA Basketball Championship game? I think it was Michigan State, but the point is, it doesn’t matter (and I probably know more than you about sports facts).  They didn’t win, so they must have lost.  It’s pure sensible logic.  My favorite winner’s mentality is without a doubt UCLA.  They only hang banners for National Championships.  Anything less thusly, is not important.  That is the reason they have more National Championships than any other school.  They have the winner’s mentality.  You know who used to have a winner’s mentality? America.  Guess who’s losing its edge? America.

According to the latest UN study America is no longer the #1 fattest developed nation.  You know who is, Mexico, freaking Mexico.  You know that country that we think so little of its culture, that we only allow them to make food using 5 ingredients: beef (allegedly), flour, cheese, rice, and beans.  Seriously that’s who beat us.  Some may look to our economy as the reason for our falling status; others may point to the National Debt, while some may point to the opposite end of one’s political spectrum.  None of those answers are correct.  The reason America is slipping is because we no longer have a winner’s mentality.  We now have to listen to people say, “Hey our culture is no better than theirs!”  Uhhhh, yeah it is.  And the fact that you would say such nonsense is why we are falling.  If our culture is no better, why were they so eager to get here?  Oh that’s right because it’s better here.  Shut up and go polish your participation trophy. Just take a look at this list.

 

Even worse look who is only .2% behind us, Syria.  You know the country that is entrenched in a brutal civil war? Yeah well they’re essentially tied with us.  What happened to us? 

But, Jeffrey isn’t it a good thing that we are slimming up a bit?  Hell no! Are you kidding me?!? It’s not like we dropped from 33% to 15 or even 20%.  We’re still at an astronomically high number, so we might as well be number 1 while we’re at it.  Seriously, what’s the point of having so many fat people if you don’t have the highest percentage of fat people?  We’re losing it, and this is just the tip of the spear.  

Seriously, look at that Top 10.  Do you know what the average GDP not including America is of the Top 10? It’s 64.9.  Do you know what America’s GDP is? Well it’s 1.  So if you factor in the fact that we’re rich, and they’re poor, we are really getting our asses kicked.  We’re supposed to have fat people because we have a little something called KFC and Popeyes.  They’ve never even heard of the Double Down. Everyone I know has either tried it, or at the minimum knows someone who has tried it.  (Sidenote Seriously, that thing is awesome.  I don’t know if it still exists, but it should.  I’m not sure what heaven will be like, but if it is half as good as the Double Down, I need to start praying immediately.  And another thing, is the head of KFC’s product development 7 because every time they have something new, I say to myself, “That just sounds like something a 1^st grader dreamed up.”) And don’t even get me started Hippies and Lefties.  We don’t have real poor people like those countries do.  Our poor people have iPhones, Flat screen TV’s with cable, and access to indoor plumbing.  Their poor people have dirt floors.  We don’t know what really poor looks like.

I have had it with this country’s loser mentality.  It’s time to wake up, look in the mirror, and remember who we are.  We’re America.  We’re undefeated in wars and have dining establishments that serve fried chicken and waffles.  Do you have that Mexico? Oh no, you don’t.  All you have is the same number of people dying from Diabetes as you do from the Drug Wars that ravage your country.  Sounds like a Utopia to me.  We’re number 1, and it’s time we start acting like it again.  My name is Jeffrey, and these are my thoughts…