Generally when it comes to critics' opinions, I take them with a grain of salt. Why? Because I hate when blowhards tell me something is good and assume I am not intelligent enough to form my own opinion. I am sick and tired of hearing about how good Girls is and hearing that Lena Dunham is a genius and voice of a generation. Dunham was given a $3.5 million advance for a book from Random House. Let me put that into perspective. That number is the 13th largest book advance OF ALL TIME! All freaking time…Are you kidding me?!? She is in the category with Jerry Seinfeld, Hillary and Bill Clinton, J.K. Rowling, and somehow, equally upsetting Amanda Knox (Side note, the reason all of these murder trials of women killing their significant others are so widely covered is because every woman secretly fantasizes about killing her man right? What other explanation is there? Because let me let you in on a little secret ladies, no guy cares at all about these trials, not a single one, not even Dr. Drew. He simply covers them because he knows y’all will watch. And right now he needs someone to watch.). Also, just to let y’all in on another cold hard fact, most people don’t really like Girls, but no one can really say anything because you come off looking like a sexist. Well, this hero is not afraid. Go on everyone; tell me how dumb I am. I have the truth on my side. Girls averaged fewer than 700,000 viewers this year. Just to put that into perspective, every single CW drama including Beauty and the Beast, Nikita, and Hart of Dixie, bested that number (Seriously hadn’t even heard of half of these shows, and they all bettered if not doubled and tripled Girls ratings). Girls isn’t funny. The only redeeming aspect of this show is that I get to look at Brian Williams’ daughter for a quarter of the time.
But
Jeffrey, it was nominated for Best Comedy at the Emmy’s! Yeah, well so
was Glee. If you can honestly look yourself in the mirror and
tell yourself that Girls is
as funny as Curb Your Enthusiasm, Seinfeld, and Arrested
Development, then I just feel sorry for you. But with that being
said, hats off to the critics because they absolutely nailed Baz Luhrmann’s The
Great Gatsby. This film was not just an atrocity, but this was a
Chernobylesque atrocity.
I have
never given up on a movie 60 seconds into the first scene, not even Catwoman, Spiderman
3, Pirates of the Caribbean 3, any of the M. Night Shyamalan
movies post Unbreakable, etc. That was until last night when I gave up on Gatsby in the first scene. Nick
Carrraway retelling the story of Gatsby from a psyche ward sealed this movie’s
fate. The notion that Nick Carraway has the greatest summer of his life but
has to deal with his shady buddy being shot and killed at the end of it, would
send him to the funny farm, isn’t just a stretch, it’s the world’s biggest
Stretch Armstrong.
Let me
get this straight. He had just graduated from Yale, was working on Wall
Street, going to the biggest parties in New York, drinking and schmoozing with
high society for little to no money, hooking up with a hot professional golfer
(surprisingly the least believable aspect of the equation is that a hot, successful, female
golfer exists) amongst other genetically gifted females, and somehow winds up
depressed because of all of this? Yeah right. The only way you
get depressed by this fact is that you realize you will never ever have that
opportunity ever again. It’s the same depression everyone goes through
once they leave college. Sad yes, but it doesn’t send you to the house
that Amanda Bynes built.
Next, I
am supposed to believe that Nick Carraway is an alcoholic when he claimed that prior
to the greatest summer any bro could ever imagine, he had only been drunk once?
That is insulting. And I for one good sir am offended. So right then
and there, I knew we were heading in a direction that I was not going to enjoy.
Then,
enter the Jay-Z. Yes you read that correctly, Jay-Z. A movie that
is a retelling of the Jazz Age included “Izzo” amongst many other of his
“culturally significant” hits. Hats off to Jay-Z though, he not only
included his own hits to get even more royalty checks, but he also included a
cover of one of his wife’s songs, so as to make sure he could add even more net
worth to his empire. That is one of the coldest business moves ever, well
done. Somewhere George Gershwin and Fletcher Henderson are rolling in
their graves thinking that their music was being accompanied by H to the Izzo.
Now enter
Carry Mulligan. I am not sure when we decided that this chick has to be
the lead in every significant film, but I would like to know just when that
vote was taken, and where the hell was I? It’s not that she is terrible
or anything, but she is incredibly mediocre and warrants even more unmerited hype
than her husband’s band does (Don’t get me wrong, I tap my toes to the
occasional Mumford and Sons’ song, but seriously the hype around that band is
mind-blowing. Don’t believe me? Just check your social media when they
play a show near anywhere you know anyone. You will have to sift through like
38,000 mentions in the first 10 minutes alone.).
Now
bring me DiCaprio. Ah yes, the multi-talented Leonardo Dicaprio, he shall
restore my faith in everything again, except he didn’t. Instead quite the
opposite happened. I spent most of his screen time questioning whether or
not Leo is actually overrated. Sure he has had notable roles in many good
films and is accepted as one of the best actors of his generation. But does that mean that he is so? I found myself realizing there’s not
much to him. He basically does the same thing in every movie. He
carries himself in a manner that says, “I am a star”, then in dramatic moments
he speaks softly, then raises his voice to attempt to increase the moment,
before finally slowly and emphatically repeating his last sentence so as to
hammer home the drama. Look it up seriously. He does this in Titanic, The Departed, The Aviator,
etc. I leave Django out of this
because that role was incredible, but I determined that had less to do with Leo
and more to do with Tarantino. Don’t believe me? Ask yourself one
question. Could someone else have
played that role? The honest answer is yes. I am not saying anyone
could have handled that role, but there are at least 10 actors in Hollywood
that could have done that role. Now ask yourself, could someone else have
played Christoph Waltz’s role. The answer is no. There is a
difference. (In fairness to Leo though, he was still jobbed at the Oscars.
His performance was emotional and moving.
You could help but awe at him. Alan Arkin and Robert DeNiro’s
performances were just their being them. That’s not a
performance.) Leo is a good actor, but he is not a great
actor. I stand by this claim.
Leo
looks great on screen and has that “star” quality, but I still feel he did not
capture the essence of Gatsby. Fitzgerald’s Gatsby dazzles and wonders.
You root for him the whole book because you believe he truly is the grand
character he worked so hard to create. You see past others’ doubts
because he is just that amazing. You root for Leo’s Gatsby because Tom is just
so despicable. The film has to place Tom in confrontation more with
Gatsby than the book does just to emphasize that point. Fitzgerald’s
Gatsby wins you over on his own, but Leo’s is dependent on the effort (or lack
thereof) of others.
I am
sure there are others who will vehemently disagree with everything I just said,
and that is fine. That’s the point. It’s all just opinion. But don’t make the mistake of believing
all opinions are equal. Remember every Adam Sandler movie makes well over
$100 million dollars. Now I am not saying Gatsby was as bad as Jack
and Jill and that my opinion is superior, but seriously let’s all just
agree on one thing, Lena Dunham is not funny and neither is Girls.
My name is Jeffrey, and these are my thoughts…
Rating System: Since
everyone gives out stars for reviews, I am going to hand out the number of
Tyler Perry’s movies I would want to see instead of watching the movie I
reviewed, so the system will be reversed.
The fewer the Tyler Perry movies the reviewed movie receives, the better
the reviewed movie is. So without
further ado,
The Great Gatsby receives 4 Tyler Perry movies.
