Several minutes before my high school football team was set to take the field at Vanderbilt Stadium in late November 2004, to win the school's first state championship in over 19 years, I heard one of the most memorable quotations of my entire life. No, it wasn't my head coach giving some inspiration, firey, "Knute Rockneyesque" pump up speech, rather it was the words of our offensive line coach that will forever be ingrained in my mind.
Teammate: Coach, uh...your zipper's down...
Coach: [Boys] if you can't get it up, then you can't get it out, so no worries!
These were the immortal words of "The Coach", Tommy Harrison. His voice was easily the most recognizable coming from the practice fields, gyms of MUS, or his call-in show on the local sports talk radio station, and his words were always the most memorable.
Raised in the small town of Bruce, Mississippi, Coach had what I refer to as "the refined" southern accent. It is distinctively southern, but it doesn't sound retarded. He would always have a phrase or comment that would make you chuckle and think "Where did he come up with that?!?" But even more so, his comments would make surprisingly good sense. Such as "That makes as much sense as a screen door on a submarine." Or, sometimes since he was notoriously known as the single greatest recruiter and seeing he was the wrestling coach at upper-middle class, all boys, prep school, where no one wanted to wrestle and risk damaging his perfect hair that was always just within the lines of legality and could be flipped to perfection even though there are no girls around at all, he would have to ask the all important biographical questions. He would always inquire about a potential "prospect" to one of the said "prospect's" friends.
"Wright, tell me about [insert name]..."
"Well coach he's a pretty good..."
And before you can even finish your rare compliment about a friend (remember this was a boy's school where sarcasm and insults were typically the only form of "peer to peer" communication), coach would interrupt you to get to the point.
"How much can he bench?!?"
Yes, that was coach. He might not have known anything about the sport he was supposed to be an expert on, but he was an expert on coaching. He, better than anyone I have run across in my sports career, understood what coaching is all about, getting better players than everyone else. And that's what he could do. I firmly believe this man could have sold me the pair of socks I would be wearing. And trust me you would be no different. Because though he was no salesman, he would have been a helluva one. When you talk to the man, he truly makes you feel like whatever he says is completely right, and you should listen to it no matter what. Even when made ridiculously, untrue, ludicrous statements you still would nod your head in agreement. One such example occurred when he told me that one of my former teammates, who shall be nameless, would be drafted ahead of Michael Oher. Though my former teammate could be drafted this spring, it is highly doubtful that he will be one of those guys who bear hugs Roger Goodell on that glorified money, making Thursday night draft special on the NFL Network. Nonetheless, when he said it to me, I walked away thinking he was right. Not because he was our very own Merlin, but because he was coach. I believed everything that man said to a fault. The man never steered me wrong. He gave me an opportunity to play when I really had no business being on a football field. And for that I will forever be grateful, and I will never forget the words he told me as he was telling me I would have a spot. "Wright, just put the ball on the damn tee."
And with the exception of twice, I did that for two years and have two state championship rings and a touchdown on my resume. So while I will usually use this forum to rant about humorous topics that grind my gears or have gotten my recent attention, I wanted to take the time to pay my respects to a man that deserves it. Here's to you Coach Harrison. I have never seen a man who was so loved by every player he coached and for good reason. He was a great coach and teacher, but most importantly he was an even better man. You will forever be missed in the Dining Hall, Stokes Stadium at the Hull-Dobbs Athletic Facility at Bobby Alston Field (or whatever we're calling it now), the wrestling room, the town of Millington, and anywhere else you came in contact with anyone.
My name is Jeffrey, and these are my thoughts...
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Friday, August 13, 2010
Identifying Tools
We've all been there before. The night is going well. You're with your friends having a good time, enjoying the conversation (making fun of one another and/or girls), being social (drinking...a lot), etc, when all of the sudden, it happens. Out of nowhere, like LeBron coming from half court to swat a lay-up, a "fine young man" in an Ed Hardy shirt, designer jeans, and enough hair product to supply the entire male population of New Jersey, appears.
"Sup Bro? Can me and my boys chill witchya tonoight?!?"
Your night is officially ruined. You've just been ambushed by tools. You are officially more depressed than a girl who has just been told there's an opening at Sea World to be Shamu's weekend replacement, and she should consider applying. But have no fear people, I am here to help.
Tools are sneaky and (reasonably) clever. I mean they have to be. How else do you explain their survival? Seriously, if it weren't for insecure girls who have a long history of daddy issues, I firmly believe they would be as significant as a Brett Favre retirement announcement. So, you may I ask, "Jeffrey how could you possibly eliminate an entire subculture of people?" And, as much as it pains me to say it's not possible to have a "final solution" when it comes to tools, the truth is, you can be preventative. Think of this as the condom to tools. It's not completely flawless, but when used appropriately, it should keep you from having to make that all too embarrassing trip to CVS, parking in the expectant mother spot (just to rub it in of course), while you shamefully have to pay for her Plan B.
Step 1: Be observant: It is important to be mindful and watchful. Often times tools will let you know of their Pearl Harbor attack. A few (but not all of course) tell-tale signs that a tool is approaching are any of the following:
1) Graphic T-shirts (remember there are more out there than just your simple Ed Hardy shirt, more proof that tools are growing in numbers and need not be taken lightly)
2) Jeans that were bought faded and with holes already in them
3) Flat Bill hats (be especially mindful of flat bills that aren't even the actual colors of the team the represent)
4) Athletic jerseys that are not hilarious throwbacks (ie Dikembe Mutumbo, Shawn Bradley, Sean Kemp Jeff Hornacek, Chris Mullins, any white guy from the early 90's Bulls, Laurence Phillips, Chris Henry, Jose Canseco, Ken Caminetti, John Rocker, and not to mention Greg Ostertag are all acceptable to be worn)
5) Your name is Phillip Rivers
6) You like Phillip Rivers
7) You actually believe the Pac-10 is the best football conference, and the fact that USC is on probation is just an east-coast/SEC biased ruling to keep the Pac-10 from having a national champion.
Note: If you object to #7, just remember the only 2 schools that believed joining your conference was a good idea were Utah and Colorado. Congrats you've just added the Mormons and hippy potheads...
8) Your Profile pic is a picture of you chugging a large amount of alcohol
Note: This is not a condemning of performing such act, but seriously, remember anyone (ie that aunt, older cousin, or friend of your little brother who has facebook) out there can see that at any given time and the last thing you need is your parents finding out and committing the most heinous, inexcusable crime of all, "cutting you off".
9) A well tanned male in January
10) A male who openly comments about another's pecs
Step 2: Preemptively strike aforementioned approachers, just like Bush preemptively went after terrorists
Note: When making the preemptive strike, make sure you have numbers before you immediately begin to verbally humiliate them by calling them the name of some psuedo-celebrity that they vaguely resemble, making fun of their girlfriend, asking the girlfriend if she had the abortion because of her parents or simply because she didn't want to actually have a child with him. BUT, REMEMBER IT IS EXTREMELY IMPORTANT TO NOTE NUMBERS! Remember these people are the bloodlife of the steroid business now that baseball actually tests players.
Step 3: Continuing living your life in peace and harmony knowing you made the world a little bit better place. Not for everyone else of course, but rather for yourself because after all that is what's most important.
My name is Jeffrey and these are my thoughts
"Sup Bro? Can me and my boys chill witchya tonoight?!?"
Your night is officially ruined. You've just been ambushed by tools. You are officially more depressed than a girl who has just been told there's an opening at Sea World to be Shamu's weekend replacement, and she should consider applying. But have no fear people, I am here to help.
Tools are sneaky and (reasonably) clever. I mean they have to be. How else do you explain their survival? Seriously, if it weren't for insecure girls who have a long history of daddy issues, I firmly believe they would be as significant as a Brett Favre retirement announcement. So, you may I ask, "Jeffrey how could you possibly eliminate an entire subculture of people?" And, as much as it pains me to say it's not possible to have a "final solution" when it comes to tools, the truth is, you can be preventative. Think of this as the condom to tools. It's not completely flawless, but when used appropriately, it should keep you from having to make that all too embarrassing trip to CVS, parking in the expectant mother spot (just to rub it in of course), while you shamefully have to pay for her Plan B.
Step 1: Be observant: It is important to be mindful and watchful. Often times tools will let you know of their Pearl Harbor attack. A few (but not all of course) tell-tale signs that a tool is approaching are any of the following:
1) Graphic T-shirts (remember there are more out there than just your simple Ed Hardy shirt, more proof that tools are growing in numbers and need not be taken lightly)
2) Jeans that were bought faded and with holes already in them
3) Flat Bill hats (be especially mindful of flat bills that aren't even the actual colors of the team the represent)
4) Athletic jerseys that are not hilarious throwbacks (ie Dikembe Mutumbo, Shawn Bradley, Sean Kemp Jeff Hornacek, Chris Mullins, any white guy from the early 90's Bulls, Laurence Phillips, Chris Henry, Jose Canseco, Ken Caminetti, John Rocker, and not to mention Greg Ostertag are all acceptable to be worn)
5) Your name is Phillip Rivers
6) You like Phillip Rivers
7) You actually believe the Pac-10 is the best football conference, and the fact that USC is on probation is just an east-coast/SEC biased ruling to keep the Pac-10 from having a national champion.
Note: If you object to #7, just remember the only 2 schools that believed joining your conference was a good idea were Utah and Colorado. Congrats you've just added the Mormons and hippy potheads...
8) Your Profile pic is a picture of you chugging a large amount of alcohol
Note: This is not a condemning of performing such act, but seriously, remember anyone (ie that aunt, older cousin, or friend of your little brother who has facebook) out there can see that at any given time and the last thing you need is your parents finding out and committing the most heinous, inexcusable crime of all, "cutting you off".
9) A well tanned male in January
10) A male who openly comments about another's pecs
Step 2: Preemptively strike aforementioned approachers, just like Bush preemptively went after terrorists
Note: When making the preemptive strike, make sure you have numbers before you immediately begin to verbally humiliate them by calling them the name of some psuedo-celebrity that they vaguely resemble, making fun of their girlfriend, asking the girlfriend if she had the abortion because of her parents or simply because she didn't want to actually have a child with him. BUT, REMEMBER IT IS EXTREMELY IMPORTANT TO NOTE NUMBERS! Remember these people are the bloodlife of the steroid business now that baseball actually tests players.
Step 3: Continuing living your life in peace and harmony knowing you made the world a little bit better place. Not for everyone else of course, but rather for yourself because after all that is what's most important.
My name is Jeffrey and these are my thoughts
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)