Identifying Tools

We've all been there before.  The night is going well.  You're with your friends having a good time, enjoying the conversation (making fun of one another and/or girls), being social (drinking...a lot), etc, when all of the sudden, it happens.  Out of nowhere, like LeBron coming from half court to swat a lay-up, a "fine young man" in an Ed Hardy shirt, designer jeans, and enough hair product to supply the entire male population of New Jersey, appears.
    "Sup Bro? Can me and my boys chill witchya tonoight?!?"
     Your night is officially ruined.  You've just been ambushed by tools.  You are officially more depressed than a girl who has just been told there's an opening at Sea World to be Shamu's weekend replacement, and she should consider applying.  But have no fear people, I am here to help.
     Tools are sneaky and (reasonably) clever.  I mean they have to be.  How else do you explain their survival? Seriously, if it weren't for insecure girls who have a long history of daddy issues, I firmly believe they would be as significant as a Brett Favre retirement announcement.  So, you may I ask, "Jeffrey how could you possibly eliminate an entire subculture of people?" And, as much as it pains me to say it's not possible to have a "final solution" when it comes to tools, the truth is, you can be preventative.  Think of this as the condom to tools.  It's not completely flawless, but when used appropriately, it should keep you from having to make that all too embarrassing trip to CVS, parking in the expectant mother spot (just to rub it in of course), while you shamefully have to pay for her Plan B.
      Step 1: Be observant:  It is important to be mindful and watchful.  Often times tools will let you know of their Pearl Harbor attack.  A few (but not all of course) tell-tale signs that a tool is approaching are any of the following:
1) Graphic T-shirts (remember there are more out there than just your simple Ed Hardy shirt, more proof that tools are growing in numbers and need not be taken lightly)
2) Jeans that were bought faded and with holes already in them
3) Flat Bill hats (be especially mindful of flat bills that aren't even the actual colors of the team the represent)
4) Athletic jerseys that are not hilarious throwbacks (ie Dikembe Mutumbo, Shawn Bradley, Sean Kemp Jeff Hornacek, Chris Mullins, any white guy from the early 90's Bulls, Laurence Phillips, Chris Henry, Jose Canseco, Ken Caminetti, John Rocker, and not to mention Greg Ostertag are all acceptable to be worn)
5) Your name is Phillip Rivers
6) You like Phillip Rivers
7) You actually believe the Pac-10 is the best football conference, and the fact that USC is on probation is just an east-coast/SEC biased ruling to keep the Pac-10 from having a national champion.
    Note: If you object to #7, just remember the only 2 schools that believed joining your conference was    a good idea were Utah and Colorado.  Congrats you've just added the Mormons and hippy potheads...
8) Your Profile pic is a picture of you chugging a large amount of alcohol
     Note: This is not a condemning of performing such act, but seriously, remember anyone (ie that aunt, older cousin, or friend of your little brother who has facebook) out there can see that at any given time and the last thing you need is your parents finding out and committing the most heinous, inexcusable crime of all, "cutting you off".
9) A well tanned male in January
10) A male who openly comments about another's pecs

Step 2: Preemptively strike aforementioned approachers, just like Bush preemptively went after terrorists
     Note: When making the preemptive strike, make sure you have numbers before you immediately begin to verbally humiliate them by calling them the name of some psuedo-celebrity that they vaguely resemble, making fun of their girlfriend, asking the girlfriend if she had the abortion because of her parents or simply because she didn't want to actually have a child with him. BUT, REMEMBER IT IS EXTREMELY IMPORTANT TO NOTE NUMBERS!  Remember these people are the bloodlife of the steroid business now that baseball actually tests players.

Step 3: Continuing living your life in peace and harmony knowing you made the world a little bit better place.  Not for everyone else of course, but rather for yourself because after all that is what's most important.

My name is Jeffrey and these are my thoughts