Ah yes, it’s that time of year again, April 20th. The day that people who smoke weed love to tell you that they smoke weed.
It’s not enough for them to enjoy a free pass during the week to smoke some reefer, but they have to let you know that they do indeed love to smoke weed.
Also, since when has a stoner needed an excuse to smoke? In my experience, they basically just need a day to end in Y, and that’s enough cause.
Side note – Who is right in the great debate about whether or not weed is dangerous? I don’t know whom to trust. On the one hand, I don’t believe the secondhand smoke commercials, and I feel like those are the same people leading the charge that say “Just one puff of a joint is equal to 35 years of working the coal mines,”. On the other, my pothead friends will claim that weed is now being shown to cure every debilitative disease, poverty and world hunger while also showing you the face of God. Call me a Debby Downer all you want, but something tells me that the truth might be somewhere in the middle.
I’ve never been a weed guy. I’m not uptight, but I can’t stand the smell. Hate all you want, but Burnt Hair: Scent of Mary Jane, isn’t exactly flying off the shelves of the fragrance stores.
Give me the smell of burning tobacco any day over that. However, my problem with 4/20 isn’t that people smoke. That’s their business. My problem is that they make it their business to tell you that they’re smoking, and business is good.
4/20 is a constant reminder that your weed friends are really annoying when it comes to weed. They’re part of a select group of people that are not only into something but also have to tell you that they’re into something. Let’s take look at some of the other annoying groups that fall into this category.
Crossfitters – Have you ever met anyone who did crossfit that hasn’t told you that they do crossfit? No one has. Whether it’s their clothing, their cars, their discussions, they leave no doubt that they indeed are crossfitters.
Vegans – On principle alone, I’m kinda with the Vegans. I’m a big animal guy, but as with many things in my life, I’m a walking paradox. I love animals, but sadly I love eating them more. To be fair, some might say that I’m actually being quite heroic in my stance though. The best way to preserve an animal’s existence is by making it a tradable good. If the animal becomes a good for consumption, then we will continue to breed the animal because we are big fans of trading livestock for money. #CapelessHero
There is no more scornful, judging look than that of a Vegan’s witnessing someone enjoying a delicious cut of beef prepared medium rare (or medium rare plus at prime steakhouse, you’ll thank me later). It’s not enough for Vegans simply to partake in their lifestyle rather they have to place themselves in settings where not only are their tastes an inconvenience but also a source of judgment of the highest order.
Amateur Cyclists – Sneaky most annoying group on the planet, what they lack in numbers they make up with volume. No group is more quick to get irrationally angry at you while they are actively being an inconvenience.
“SHARE THE ROAD!”
Uh, gladly, when you quit riding in the middle of two-lane roads hoping that someone will cross the double yellows to get around you so that their five-minute trip doesn’t become 15.
Beer snob – Tough one to talk about here because unlike the others, beer snob actually makes good points. However, beer snob is also unwilling to accept that a beer that has been produced in the same fashion for 140 years might not be inherently shitty because it also is the most frequently consumed at Talladega Superspeedway. Also, beer snob seems to think that combining fermented starch and water is a task left only to chemists with a PhD.
I too enjoy a delicious Belgium tripel, but I’m also not thumbing my nose at a red label or a Bud Light when I'm at a dive bar. Time and place, my man. Beer snob is basically the Stannis Barratheon of this group. He actually shows many signs of brilliance but in the end, his unwillingness to accept the fact that any idea, which counters his, could hold validity gets him killed.
The book was better snob – Book snob and beer snob are cut from the same cloth. They both make great points, but both are so committed to a cause that they refuse to see another way. If book snob were willing to admit that there are cases where TV shows or movies are better than the original source (looking at you, Game of Thrones book snobs), then I would have no issue with this person because a majority of the time, books are better since they have more flexibility to tell a story fully by incorporating psychological and emotional details that are difficult to convey simply with actors. However, I’ve yet to run across that person, so until then, I’m going to keep putting all of you in a box.
Half marathon runner – Oh you’ve run a half marathon, have you?!?!? Do you call yourself a quitter or do I have to be the ass hole to do it for you? The problem with half-marathoner is that he doesn’t run for the sake of cardio. He runs to tell you that he runs half marathons and so that he can slap that 13.1 on the back windshield of his Prius or Subaru without feeling like a hypocrite.
Social Media Political Activist – Show of hands, has anyone ever been persuaded to join a cause or change your position on an issue based on someone’s facebook post? No one? Good. Let’s leave facebook to be what it was intended, a way for us to see what you look like in a bikini or wasted.
Actorvists – I’ve been saving the best for last. This hero knows more than you do because he’s talked to people that know more than you do because those people had a dinner to take his money so that they could stay elected. He also knows more because he has pretended to be someone that did great things. The ironic part is that this blowhard would wish to restrict the freedom of speech or expression while also claiming to be a humanitarian. Drugs really must be awesome.
Inherent in each of these people is a desire to tell me that you’re better. Uh, newsflash, I know what my bank account says and am fully aware that you are better, so let’s leave the shaming to the good old-fashioned method.
I can’t afford to join the YMCA let alone take exercise lessons. Have you seen the grocery receipt of a Vegan? I remember seeing one for the first time and damn near passing out. Being that pretentious is breathtakingly expensive. I swear some of the bikes that those “cyclists” are riding cost more than a new Kia. I like to think that the reason that I have no problem with Bud Light is that I’m capable of an open-minded thought, but the truth is I like getting drunk in a cheap fashion. Also, the taste of hoppy beers is yucky. Why would I pay $25 for a book that I will most likely only read once, when I can either watch the same story for free in HD or go enjoy it with a metric ton of popcorn and coke for $10? While being a social media political activist doesn’t cost a ton of coin, it sounds exhausting, and I’m lazy. Also, your time is your biggest asset, so no thanks. I don’t know what acting lessons run these days, but I do what it costs to go from a 6 to TV-adequate, about 35 grand. Stephanie McMahon taught me that.
So if you fit into any of the aforementioned categories, do us all a favor, and shut up. You’re already winning because you’re most likely way better off than us. Take solace in that fact, and let us keep living our pathetic lives in peace, free from your lifestyle terrorism.
My name is Jeffrey, and these are my thoughts.
