My Name is Jeffrey, and These are My Thoughts: The PGA Championship Preview That No One Asked For

Golf's least meaningful major has finally arrived, three weeks earlier than usual thanks to an inaugural world-wide event that is so meaningful that it doesn't have a purse or the top-4 players in the world golf rankings. #GrowTheGame

The PGA returns to a traditional, parkland-style course in Springfield, New Jersey's Baltusrol Golf Club for glory's last shot, and here are the things that you need to know.

First, Omega is the official timekeeper of the PGA of America, so keep the remote at arm's length at all times because you are never safe from the worst commercial in the history of golf, Rory's Hall of Fame Omega spot. Normally, I would link the video, but if you're reading this you're probably in four figures on viewings. No one loves my boy more than I, yes that includes his parents, but that commercial should be tried for war crimes.

I also hate The Script for the song. They wrote a song solely for television bumper music and sports promos. Nevermind, I'm just jealous that they could write a song with the sole intention of making as much mailbox money as possible and actually pulled it off. That's basically my dream. Regardless, I wish they would still stick to what they do best, write uppity-sounding songs that are actually massively depressing. Serious question though, how did it take until 2008 for someone to write a song about how breakups aren't equal? There's always a clear winner and loser. "Her best days were some of my worst" applies to everyone about someone out there because there is no worse feeling than seeing the person who dumped you genuinely happy with someone that's not you, but I digress.

Two, the PGA of America gets theirs as no other major championship broadcast has as many commercials (with half being Rory's). I don't like the move, but I do respect it, mainly because the PGA of America's heart didn't breakeven back in 1968 when the touring players broke away from the organization to form the PGA Tour. The Tour Pros moved on while the Club Pros were still grieving. I can't imagine the tears of unfathomable sadness that the PGA of America's accountant cried when comparing the 1968 and 1969 financial statements.

Three, Baltusrol finishes with consecutive par-5's. The only refrain that you will hear as much as "Standing in the Hall of Fame" will be this fact. You've been warned.

Four, CBS is back at the helm, so the broadcast will be insufferable unless you like your broadcasts light on actual golf while being heavy on pointless pre-recorded segments that show a 59-year old Brit twisting on a medicine ball. Also, if you like your analysts giving uncertain takes only to ask the aforementioned Brit if he agrees, then CBS is here for you. Welcome home.

Now on to the actual golf. The PGA has the highest percentage of one-time winners of all of the majors at 43 percent. The reasoning is unclear and perhaps unfair, but a fact nonetheless. Additionally, only one player has won consecutive PGA Championships since the tournament returned to stroke play (#Phrasing) in 1958, Tiger Woods (2006 and 2007).

While some #Haters made throw some shade on the PGA for being the least among the majors, the tournament is typically quite entertaining. The setup includes wider fairways that offer more birdie chances while also including less penalizing rough affording more chances to recover after a missed fairway, and given the fact that the course ends with consecutive par-5's, the chance for late fireworks on Sunday is very real.

The Hall of Famer is currently the betting favorite at +510 (5.1 to 1). He has had to listen to comparisons to Ringo Starr even though he has as many majors as the other three combined and has the highest percentage of events in which he reaches an elite level among his peers.

Source: Jake Nichols

The course sets up favorable for the Northern Irish South Floridian, and he is currently on the San Francisco Giants trajectory of winning the PGA every other even year as he won the Wanamaker trophy in 2012 and 14.

Every aspect of McIlroy's game appears to be in form with the exception of his putter. However, Rory has always been a streaky putter, in both directions, and the setup allows Rory to play his favored game -- aggressive with as many drivers as possible -- a fact that allows him to putt his best as he plays with more confidence.

The hottest player on the planet, Dustin Johnson, is the second favorite at +600. Johnson is confident with his game and currently driving the golf ball better than anyone alive. He also is the only player in the field that can dethrone Jason Day from the top spot in the World Golf Rankings.

"I want to win," said Johnson today in his media opportunity. "I want to win every major. I'm feeling good. I've got a lot of confidence in the game. I feel like I've been playing really consistent all year. I feel like, every week I've gone out, I've had a chance to win. Right now, I feel like everything is going pretty well. I feel like I'm driving it good. I'm hitting my irons good.My wedge game's really improved. I think that's probably the biggest difference this year than years past, is my wedge game; it's a lot sharper. I've got a lot more control with my wedges. I think that's the big difference for me."

Speaking of Day, he's the third favorite at Baltustrol at +800. While I love the fit for Day, I'm staying away from him given the fact that only Tiger has won consecutively at the championship, and he has had to deal with the tour's No. 1 Look at Me Wife's allergic reaction.

Spieth is next at +1000, but his demeanor and form in 2016 deem him a no-touch for me. Reigning British Open Champion Henrick Stenson follows Spieth at +1200, but it's difficult to see him winning consecutive majors at 41. Sergio follows the Swede at +1500, and if you want gamble that the theme of first-time major winners defines 2016, by all means, go ahead. I've always had a soft spot for a man who always has personalized golf balls labeled with his cell number waiting at the ready should he see an 8 or above in the gallery.

Which brings us to Phil. While many measurables that actually matter say that Phil is a safe bet -- 4th in strokes gained putting, 4th in strokes gained total, 2nd in scoring average, 7th in birdie average, 4th in sand saves, every Phan will tell you that the worst mistake you can make is conflict your head with your heart when it pertains to Phil. I didn't even consider the possibilty that Phil could win the British Open until he birdied No. 1 on Sunday at Troon because I've trained myself thanks to all the years of heartache that was a direct result of believing in the ideal man of caucasian dissent. Therefore, I refuse to believe before a shot is hit at Baltusrol.

Justin Rose and Adam Scott are next and neither is in decent enough form for consideration. America's Sergio, Rickie Fowler, is next and while my gut thinks maybe this is the week for him, I'm very much in the prove it to me stage with Dick.

I've never wanted to pick him in a major as badly as I do this week, but I simply can't.

Bubba is next and is quite the sexy pick among pundits, but I would rather be wrong picking against him to win than be right picking him to win.

Should the weather turn poor during the championship, some of the shorter hitters should enter the fray as they will be able to control the distance on their longer approaches better with the softer greens (see Dufner and Furyk at Cog Hill), then I like Dufner (out of principle), Zach Johnson, and Furyk.

Other sleepers to consider are The People's Golfer (Beef Johnston), Fatrick Reed, Brandon Grace, J.B. Holmes, Hideki Matsuyama, Kevin Na, Billy McGrit, Paul Casey, Kevin Chappell, Andy Sullivan, and Tony Finau.