Hard Knocks Recap That Nobody Asked For

Since the Hall of Fame Game was cancelled because the grounds crew had one job and couldn't do it thus depriving hard-working Americans from betting on a preseason football, last night became the unofficial open to training camp for fans when HBO released the season debut of Hard Knocks: Training Camp with the Los Angeles Rams.

Overall, it was a pretty forgettable episode, but it was football and more importantly a behind-the-scenes look at football. Therefore, I'm all in. It is still August after all.

Given my day job, which covers a college football program, I can't help but wonder if the lack of interesting scenes, moments, or characters is a result more of the way that football teams want to be presented -- revealing as little about the actual team as possible because football coaches by nature are paranoid -- or if this is just what a Jeff Fisher team looks like, boring. I'm leaning toward the former because when I look back objectively on the two previous seasons covered, the Bengals and Texans,  they weren't much different. Nevertheless, it was still completely watchable, and I didn't consider it an hour wasted at all. Let's get to the recap.

The Highlights

Opening Scene - Hard Knocks has a firm rule that you always open with the quarterback's hot wife doing something that isn't sexual in nature but shows her in skin, working out in full makeup is the standard opening shot.

However, since Jared Goff has a brain (more on that later), he has chosen to be single as the quarterback of the future in Los Angeles, and Case Keenum's wife seems like she really loves the Lord and is the perfect embodiment of what happens when a 6'0" quarterback from a small school approaches his senior year, he decides during his senior year that life won't get better, so he might as well marry who he's with. The caveat here is you do what Tannehill or Blake Barnett did, not what Case did. Therefore, Hard Knocks opened with the next best eye candy, breathtaking dogs. Jeff Fisher's labs could move mountains. Well done.

Case Keenum Doesn't Disappoint - Pretty sure he moved into one of the neighborhoods in Calabasas or Augora Hills that I lived in during my junior and senior years. No NFL quarterback should have lived in these neighborhoods. Period. Be Better, Case.

Non-air-conditioned Dorms - I understand that this scene didn't exactly connect with the rest of America, but I immediately began to experience PTSD when I watched the team move into the dorms at UC-Irvine because it was an all-too-real flashback to August 2007 when I moved into my non-air-conditioned dorm at Pepperdine. The biggest lie anyone from Southern California will tell you -- other than their age and weight, obviously -- is that, "You don't need air conditioning out here". Uh, guess again.

Labor Day Weekend saw temperature hit the 117 mark, and I went seven-straight days without using a single sheet on my person. The only cooling device in the room was the puddles of sweat that your body created because you lived on the third floor on a dorm without air conditioning.

Dry heat, my ass. Heat is heat. They just don't want to pay for it.

Two Types of People - There are two types of people guys that wear tank tops exclusively and tell you about it, and people that I like. If you have a formal tank top, please kill yourself.

Deon Long - What a treasure. Jeff Fisher literally gave them one rule, don't bring women to your room, and he couldn't do it. Daddy had to get his dick wet. However, what truly made the move great was his explanation of, "Coach, she wasn't staying. She was just dropping something off,".

These are the best kinds of excuses the ones that are so spectacularly bad that the opposition doesn't even ask a follow up. He just lets you continue to dig your own grave. Finally, I love that Deon is so clearly Team Sorry Not Sorry. At no point did he even attempt to apologize. He just went right into making excuses explanations.

Jeff Fisher's Come to Jesus Meeting - I can't imagine how close to home this speech hit the seven actual Rams fans.

"I'm not going 7-9. I'm not going 8-8."

Uh, wanna bet, Jeff?

Jeff Fisher's Coaching Staff - I'm pretty sure the only job requirement to be an assistant on Jeff's staff is that you must not have had any other job in your adult life that was out of football or have a last name that is synonymous with football (God bless, nepotism). He will however make an exception if that non-football job was military service. However, that's kind of a given as everyone on that staff, the former Marine (Thank you for your service, sir.) included, is the closest thing to military service.

So many football guys on that staff. I don't know Rob Boras, but I am quite certain that he and I wouldn't see eye to eye on offensive philosophy. He reeks of the guy that abides by the number one rule that in order to win, you must run the ball.

And speaking of football guys, holy shit is Greg Williams Lord Commander of Football Guys. He is the guy that honestly believes that football truly is a thinking man's game. Though he is a sworn enemy of all things offense, that doesn't mean that he doesn't have reverence for it. After all it is still under the umbrella of football. He could not have had less respect for a man (that plays football, kickers excluded, of course) than he did for Goff when he discovered that he has never been in a huddle and called a play. How dare he?!?!?

Quick someone ask Goff for medical advice because he must be a genius since he learned how to huddle and call a football play, an impossible task to the common man, but not the football guru. He can utter multiple words that directly instruct the 10 other guys what to do. He's brilliant.

And as if he didn't have enough football guys, Mike Singletary showed up out of nowhere.

I'm getting very close to understanding why Jeff Fisher's teams are perpetually 8-8. They are always talented, but neither he nor his staff advance when the game does, and he's left behind.

The Jeff Goff Roller Coaster - The closest I've ever gotten to actually being jealous of Rams fans occurred during the profile pieces on Goff. He's perfect, and by that I mean he's perfect for me - bipolar.

Let's start with the character assassination that the producers conducted. Chris Weinke -- who, despite having spent his entire life in competitive sports, could give Mike Smith a run for his money for most awkward cusser of all time -- asks perhaps maybe the most leading question in the history of leading questions to Goff.

"Goff, where does the sun rise and set?"

What may seem like common knowledge to anyone who passed the third grade, this was really a first-amendment violation. Most of us know that indeed the sun rises in the East and sets in the West because of Sunday School. Well how about a little separation of church and state, Coach? Or maybe instead of shaming him, how about using that moment to, I don't know, do some some of the most important coaching of all, life coaching. How about asking him where he is in his faith? Everyone knows that the family that prays together stays together, and if I were Weinke, I would for damn sure want Goff to be touched by God because if he is, Weinke will never have to actually work a day in his life ever again because he can simply ride his coattails to coaching fame and lore.

Now for the on-the-field where he stole my heart forever. Let's start with the bad. I always want the bad news first.

Holy shit, I've never seen a No. 1 pick look more uncomfortable under center. It was laugh out loud funny. The best explanation that I can give is that he looked every bit as comfortable as someone who was relearning how to take a shit, and his teacher was his mom. Also, I can't express how bad the coaching was. It's not that difficult, dude. Get in an athletic stance, take your right hand and split the testes of your center (Thank you, Coach Cresmon. I'll never forget that teaching point.), and don't pull out (#Phrasing) until the ball hits your top hand.

And Dear God, his footwork when throwing a goal line fades against air made me weep.

Now for the good, his throwing motion makes me feel things. It's so fluid and natural.

It's not gay if it's Jared Goff.

And speaking of pretty, he is. I know people think I'm kidding or coming up with a hot take, but I really do believe the best quarterback are either good looking or at least think they are. I stand by this statement.

Sure, he's not exactly great at the basics of the position -- calling a play in the huddle, taking a snap, basic footwork -- but he has the intangibles -- chiseled features, great throwing motion, and excellent uniform awareness and presence. And you can't teach that.

Conclusion
I'm not trying to say that HBO is getting desperate yet, but they did try to convince us that a guy who doesn't utter a complete sentence in a Carl's Jr. commercial is Mr. Personality because he occasionally yells inaudible phrases from the sideline during football practice.

All-in-all it wasn't as bad of an episode in hindsight as it was in person. What the show lacks in personality, it more than makes up for it absurdity in the football portions. As long as they keep giving me that aspect, I'll be more than grateful to spend an hour with the Rams every Tuesday night after SmackDown Live.