Move Over Kelly Clarkson, There's a New Girl in Town

For those of you who are "worried that Jeffrey's life is a cry for help," I suggest you stop reading right now. Seriously, the next admissions are to be filed under the heading "Do Not Use" in the event that I am placed under psychiatric watch for sanity questioning.

I've been reeling ever since I learned that my "attainable if I were three deep at the same bar" celebrity crush, Kelly Clarkson, has seemingly moved on with her life giving thought to neither my personal detriment nor the countless memories we made together. Seriously, how could she forget the time that I went all the way to Jimmy Kimmel's Summer Crush Concert Series in 2009 just to see her?!? The title of the event said it all. We were each other's summer crushes. We were so perfect for each other it hurt. Alas, I should have known better when she sang "Already Gone" three times (it was recorded for TV I'm told) and stared right into my soul with her piercing and famous hazel eyes just to emphasize that in spite of all we shared, she was indeed already gone. I was devastated and still am a little bit truth be told. Well rather, still was, until last night. You can all sleep soundly now. I've moved on. I'm ready once again to open myself up to love that will never be. I'm finally ready to stop flirting and commit. Aga Radwanska, I choose you.

Our love started much in the same manner that Kelly's and mine did, during the summer. And no, you need not worry that I'm setting myself up for disaster yet again. Like they say on TV and the movies/like girls who clearly got dumped and still aren't over it say, I learned so much. This time it IS different. I met Agnie on the Fourth of July, and being the patriot that I am, I know this was no coincidence. As I was recovering from celebrating the land that I love, I was watching The Championships at Wimbledon. (I love this title so much. Seriously, so arrogant. There are 4 majors, but only 1 "Championships". Such a power move, and I don't hate it) I discovered a striking young Belarusian who looked much like she played the game of tennis, non threatening. Yet, for some reason I couldn't take my eyes off of the screen when she was on it and even began to ask myself the question, "Do you actually like this girl?". By the end of the match I was openly rooting so hard for her on every point that the truth was obvious. I had a case of the Radwanskas. 

While I was smitten, she lost, and by the end of the day I had already forgotten her. Whatever. Judge me for forgetting about the love of my life mere minutes after meeting her. I had a country, nay a nation, to celebrate, and you best believe I wasn't letting some chick get in the way of my patriotic duty. That attitude is why the terrorists will never win.

Flash forward to the evening of January 21, 2014. Alas we meet again, my love. Time and separation has made me grow fonder and realize just how much I missed her. That's on me. I was scared, and truth be told, wasn't really sure how I truly felt. I spent tireless hours debating her hotness, frantically searching for kini and formal wear pictures, texting tennis scholars, also looking up her relationship status (for some reason that does affect my feelings for imaginary relationships) before finally making my decision. After spending the entire 1st set playing countless rounds of "She's Hot, She's Not", there was no need for further debate. She was so in my head, and there was nothing I could do about it. So, I decided at the end of the 2nd set of her quarterfinal match at the Australian Open (I need to be specific so that I can have the exact answer for when she inevitably asks, "When did you know I was the one you for which you were waiting?"), that I indeed could no longer deny what was so clearly true: Aga is the girl for me. Spoiler Alert! She won the 3rd set 6-0. Coincidence? I think not. I don't want to say our love was the reason that she won the 3rd set, but our love was totally the reason she won the 3rd set. Here's to many happy returns. 

For Me?!? Stop it! I'll gladly be your trophy husband,
but you have to forget that I'm not actually hot and don't qualify as a "trophy". 

Agnie is being silly. I always do the driving.

       

We clean up well. Scared Brangelina? I would be.

Melting my heart, princess

The Greatest Football Team Ever

Many questions have plagued humanity for generations. Does heaven exist? What would have happened if Sampson hadn’t cut his hair? Are we really all that is out there? What are the 23 flavors in Dr. Pepper? If O.J. didn’t do it, who did? The list goes on, but that is not the question we are to answer today. Nay, today we are here to answer one of life’s great mysteries and a question that has gone unanswered for far too long: Just who is the greatest 8^th grade football team ever?

The 2002 MUS Owls 8^th grade football team didn’t just win games; they beat their opponents so badly both physically and psychologically, opponents were left begging for mercy and asked if they could play the 7^th graders instead.

With household names like Stallworth, Hunt, Stokes, Park, Horn, Aldridge, Towner, Scott, May, Bowie, and Alston, the Owls were just a play away from scoring on any given snap. Offense, Defense, or Special Teams, it didn’t matter. In 8-minute quarters, the Owls averaged nearly 37 points per game; an amazing feat considering the starters hardly played more than a half of football.

Offensively it began under center for the Owls with their dual-threat signal caller, #11 Michael Park. Tony Barnhart once quipped about Park, “I haven’t seen the rollout pass run so flawlessly since the days of the Old Redhead, Archie Manning. Park was Johnny Manziel before Johnny Manziel.” Usually dual-threat is a politically correct way for saying a QB can’t throw, that was not the case with Park. He could beat you with his legs or arm. He would let you chose the weapon with which he would torture you. It was cruel but fair. He also served as the team’s punt returner.

But, Park certainly was not alone. He had weapons on top of weapons at his disposal. #15 Zach Scott and #8 Drew Alston were as big and physical as they come. If the ball was in the air, either they came down with it, or no one did. #9 Stephen Bowie’s sneaky speed allowed him to get open against any defense, and he went the entire year (practice included) without dropping a pass; it should also be noted he was wearing a cast on his wrist for a portion of the year. 

Up front the Owls had a line that was the envy of every opposing coach. Will Aldridge, Jason Daniels, Kevin Owen, Buck Towner, and Tyler Horn along with Luke Jensen and Ben Stallworth occasionally, opened up canyons for the stable of running backs. (And the blocking did not stop at the line of scrimmage; watch Big #74’s downfield blocking. The best athlete on the field might have been lined up at Offensive Tackle. That speed at that size with that strength?!? My God, that was unfair.) #2 Harrison Hunt and 7^th Grade All-American, #5 Philip May often scored without being touched. Although it should be noted Hunt would often times go out of his way just to run over someone for no other reason other than he could.

Defensively the Owls were quite frankly, impregnable. The starters did not give up a point all year, and the team collectively gave up only three touchdowns all year (Please note that one was the direct result of an illegal touch by a player over the weight limit. That was how desperate teams were to try and just put points on the board.). Up front Towner, Horn, and Aldridge were as ferocious and feared as any defensive lineman. Combine them with bookends Drew Alston and Luke Jensen, and teams were lucky to just break the line. If an opponent were lucky enough to break the line, then Stallworth, Stokes, and Hunt met them, and they were not a welcoming crew.

People often debate who was the most dominant team in football history. Was it the ’56 Sooners, ’72 Dolphins, ‘86 Bears, ’92 Crimson Tide, ’95 Cornhuskers, 2000 GYAA Eagles (Juniors Division), 2001 Miami Hurricanes, 2004 USC Trojans? The answer is none of those. All of those teams pail in comparison to the 2002 8^th grade Owls. Without further adieu, I give you the greatest collection of football players, nay athletes, that have ever been assembled, the 2002 Memphis University School 8^th grade Owls.

PS – While Park put on a show throwing the football, it should be noted that #7 made the two most impressive throws of the year. 1) (Occurs at the 3:49 mark) Facing a heavy rush from the savages up front of ECS, he stood tall with hands in his face and delivered a perfect ball over the outside shoulder to Zach Scott near the sideline that resulted in a touchdown.  2) (Occurs at the 4:23 mark) Again facing a brutal rush, 7 stood tall and delivered a strike over three defenders to his Tight End, Luke Jensen who scooted down the sideline only to be tripped up by the nose guard preventing 7 from his 2^nd touchdown in as many throws. It cannot be stressed enough how important it is to have a back-up quarterback on whom you can depend.  Kid could have gotten snaps at any other school, but chose to take part in something special even if the role was much less significant. Some might call that heroic. You know?

PPS- #7 also gave the single least athletic high five I’ve ever seen to #19 early in the film (yes, this is a film. Some might even say it’s an experience.) around the 1:17 mark. Although, to be fair he tried to make the hero play and go left with that high five. He. Failed.  He clearly should have just taken the easy completion and gone with the right-handed high five. Keep the chains moving 7; you don’t need it all in one play.

Hey America, We're Number One. Now Let's Act Like It

This is what every list should look like, America on Top.

“If you ain’t first, you’re last.”  These are the words of the 21^st century philosopher Richard Bobby, and I for one couldn’t agree more.  Quick, who lost the 2009 NCAA Basketball Championship game? I think it was Michigan State, but the point is, it doesn’t matter (and I probably know more than you about sports facts).  They didn’t win, so they must have lost.  It’s pure sensible logic.  My favorite winner’s mentality is without a doubt UCLA.  They only hang banners for National Championships.  Anything less thusly, is not important.  That is the reason they have more National Championships than any other school.  They have the winner’s mentality.  You know who used to have a winner’s mentality? America.  Guess who’s losing its edge? America.

According to the latest UN study America is no longer the #1 fattest developed nation.  You know who is, Mexico, freaking Mexico.  You know that country that we think so little of its culture, that we only allow them to make food using 5 ingredients: beef (allegedly), flour, cheese, rice, and beans.  Seriously that’s who beat us.  Some may look to our economy as the reason for our falling status; others may point to the National Debt, while some may point to the opposite end of one’s political spectrum.  None of those answers are correct.  The reason America is slipping is because we no longer have a winner’s mentality.  We now have to listen to people say, “Hey our culture is no better than theirs!”  Uhhhh, yeah it is.  And the fact that you would say such nonsense is why we are falling.  If our culture is no better, why were they so eager to get here?  Oh that’s right because it’s better here.  Shut up and go polish your participation trophy. Just take a look at this list.

 

Even worse look who is only .2% behind us, Syria.  You know the country that is entrenched in a brutal civil war? Yeah well they’re essentially tied with us.  What happened to us? 

But, Jeffrey isn’t it a good thing that we are slimming up a bit?  Hell no! Are you kidding me?!? It’s not like we dropped from 33% to 15 or even 20%.  We’re still at an astronomically high number, so we might as well be number 1 while we’re at it.  Seriously, what’s the point of having so many fat people if you don’t have the highest percentage of fat people?  We’re losing it, and this is just the tip of the spear.  

Seriously, look at that Top 10.  Do you know what the average GDP not including America is of the Top 10? It’s 64.9.  Do you know what America’s GDP is? Well it’s 1.  So if you factor in the fact that we’re rich, and they’re poor, we are really getting our asses kicked.  We’re supposed to have fat people because we have a little something called KFC and Popeyes.  They’ve never even heard of the Double Down. Everyone I know has either tried it, or at the minimum knows someone who has tried it.  (Sidenote Seriously, that thing is awesome.  I don’t know if it still exists, but it should.  I’m not sure what heaven will be like, but if it is half as good as the Double Down, I need to start praying immediately.  And another thing, is the head of KFC’s product development 7 because every time they have something new, I say to myself, “That just sounds like something a 1^st grader dreamed up.”) And don’t even get me started Hippies and Lefties.  We don’t have real poor people like those countries do.  Our poor people have iPhones, Flat screen TV’s with cable, and access to indoor plumbing.  Their poor people have dirt floors.  We don’t know what really poor looks like.

I have had it with this country’s loser mentality.  It’s time to wake up, look in the mirror, and remember who we are.  We’re America.  We’re undefeated in wars and have dining establishments that serve fried chicken and waffles.  Do you have that Mexico? Oh no, you don’t.  All you have is the same number of people dying from Diabetes as you do from the Drug Wars that ravage your country.  Sounds like a Utopia to me.  We’re number 1, and it’s time we start acting like it again.  My name is Jeffrey, and these are my thoughts…

Bill Courtney is an Actual Hero

Jonathan Paul Manziel has essentially become my favorite person on the planet. Why?  He makes the most out of what he has been given both on and off the field. When one watches Texas A&M warm up, the first question an observer incredulously asks is, “That’s Him?!?!”. He is anything but overwhelming in stature, doesn’t wow you with his throwing motion or arm strength, doesn’t appear to be the fastest player on the field, but the truth is the guy is just great. He maximizes everything he has and creates something special. Off the field, he seems to be readily aware that this will be the greatest time of his life and is not going to miss a minute of it. Hey, according to Wikipedia, he is a Business Major and clearly is just making a business decision to strike while the iron is hot (Ask Tebow or Kodak, you’re stock is only at a peak once). I like to imagine that he and his best friend wrote a list before the 2012 season of things that he was going to accomplish that season, and it went something like this:

Best Friend: Heisman trophy?
Johnny F’ing Football: Check.
BF: Girlfriend so hot it hurts and has no business being with you saved for the fact that you have aforementioned Heisman Trophy?
JFF: Check Plus.
BF: Become friends with the most famous and best athletes on the Planet?
JFF: Dude c’mon you follow me on Twitter.
BF: Take a picture on 4/20 with your Heisman Trophy holding a joint?
JFF: (Smirking) My official comment is that picture was photoshopped...
BF: Play Pebble Beach, and then tweet out your scorecard showing you broke 80?
JFF: Done and done.
BF: Casually tweet out that on your days off you play golf with country music stars, and then you and smoke stack girlfriend star in one of their music videos?
JFF: Please that’s just a Tuesday for Johnny Football.

I could continue, but I am fairly certain that if you haven’t decided to stop reading, you would very shortly. I have always labeled Manziel as a “Hero”, and the sarcastic, half-joking/half-jealous (mostly jealous) I will continue to do so. But then you read a story (watch a movie) about someone who truly is a hero, and it makes you (me) reconsider how liberally you use the word “hero”.

Now I am not saying Manziel’s last 10 months are anything short of heroic. Setting aside his play on the field, anyone who has the Italian day laborer look that Manziel rocks and lands Sarah Savage without doing something, that would at best be labeled a “moral gray area”, is a hero. But as great as Manziel has shown to be, he is no Bill Courtney.

I am about a solid year and a half late to this party (story of my life), but if you haven’t seen the documentary, Undefeated, do yourself a favor and do so immediately. It streams for free on Netflix. Bill Courtney is a lumber supplier who loves the game of football and spent 6 years coaching the Memphis City School’s proverbial doormat, Manassas High School. If you’re unsure of just how bad of a program into which Courtney walked, it had a combined record of 5-95 in the 10 previous seasons leading to his arrival. In the 110 years that the school had been open, it had never once won a playoff game. The man devoted his passion of coaching football to a school that was paid by other schools' to be their homecoming game, and he coached for FREE. Clearly, Courtney is not as familiar with The Dark Knight, as I am. He is good at something, but he does it for free.

Without giving away too much from the movie, the documentary basically explains Memphis perfectly. Memphis is by and large a city of those who have, and those who have not (Also sprinkle in those who want to look like they have more than they do).  One segment of the population is riddled with crime, broken families, poverty, poor education, the list goes continues, while another segment experiences virtually the opposite.  One man and a few of his friends from the latter of the two previously mentioned segments, attempt to help the former segment by using one of the talents they have, coaching football.

Football can be a polarizing issue.  On the one hand it generates an absurd amount of money not only at the professional level, but also the collegiate level.  Those who are opposed see nothing but greedy fat cats getting richer and exploiting the use of a largely intellectually inferior workforce with little to no concern for the well-being of said workforce.  Others view that said workforce is given opportunities and preferential treatment that would not be given to them if they were not skilled at playing football.  Setting aside the political, one thing that I believe is unquestioned about football, is that is the greatest game at building and developing a young man's character.  In no other sport do you practice five times as much as you play the game, wear 25 pounds of equipment and do up/downs, bear crawls, and run what seems to be an unnecessary amount given the fact that the game is essentially only 10 minutes or so of actual play, etc.  In no other sport does 3/4 of the participants have essentially no chance of ever accomplishing the goal of the game, scoring.  It's the perfect metaphor for what it takes to be successful in life.  You work your ass off for a small payback.   

As a product of one of the best football programs in Memphis, I always had proper coaching. Even in my youth programs, the coaching I received was phenomenal.  Unfortunately, the same cannot be said for those who were born north, south, or west of the intersection of Polar and Union (Shut up Midtown. You know what I mean.).  Wether it's the lack of money, present male figures, or any of the reasons that a social worker would give, these kids do not have the same opportunities to receive the quality of coaching and guidance that my friends and I were afforded.  Whether you grew-up playing on the park fields in Germantown or the various programs that played in the parochial leagues, you received quality youth coaching, and you learned the lessons that football taught: discipline, sacrificing yourself for the good of others, hard work, pushing yourself to keep going when you honestly believe you have nothing left in your proverbial tank, etc.  Bill Courtney chose to try to offer this experience to a group of young men that would most likely never have such an opportunity.  High School is essentially the last time in a young person's life that one can drastically change a young person.  You are still developing and impressionable.  By the time one graduates high school and advances (or doesn't) to wherever the next step is, that person is pretty much formed.  Your high school years are so pivotal is developing and building character.  Courtney knew this and chose to offer help the best way he knew, by coaching.  It was his talent, and he offered it to try and help the city that he knows and loves.  That is being a hero.

The private schools and the well coached county schools absolutely couldn't wait to play the Manassas's and other city schools that Memphis offered.  For the starters , it meant an easy game to raise your stats.  For  the guys who had splinters in their butts from riding the pine, it meant you were going to play on a Friday night for a change.  I knew the only games that I was going to take a snap past warmups other than to take the final knee, were games against these teams.

Jeffrey, there is no need to pretend.  We know you didn't really play football.  Well read and weep people:

Boom served!  I actually stepped foot on a football field and saw the endzone. (Side Note: Notice how good I look: from towel positioning, to solid use of the visor, QB band, the whole nine yards.  A+ Wright, A+.  Ignore the fact that I didn’t exactly fill out the jersey.  Also, those two guys are each 6-6".)

The cynics, especially those familiar with the political, demographic make-up of Memphis and the unfortunate timing that this story was so close to the explosion of The Blind Side, will say that this was nothing but being opportunistic at the least.  Maybe so, but who would spend five years of his life coaching for zero money and about almost the same amount of wins?  (Just in case you were wondering, this documentary was made by two guys who were recruiting fanatics and saw the video of OC Brown on YouTube.  They wanted to do a feature on him, but upon researching Brown, they came across the whole story and documented that.) I think often times we don't want to believe a person could be so selfless because we sit there and watch what he has chosen to take on and think to ourselves, "There is no way I would ever do that,".  So, because we think that way, he must be no different.  But, Courtney is different.  His dad left home when he was young, so he knows what a lot of the kids are going through when it comes to a lack of a male figure in their lives.  He too played football and knew the impact that his football coaches had on him.  So, rather than just simply saying, "That's horrible," after reading in the Commercial Appeal, a story of a 17 year old Manassas Football player getting shot or seeing a similar story on the local news, he chose to go and give those kids what he knew he could offer and they could use, a football coach and male authority figure.

Regardless of motivation, I look at the outcome.  He kept one kid out of jail by involving him in a program that would help grow his character and keep him out of jail.  He secured two college scholarships for kids that would not have gone to college without his help, and that does not even account for the other kids on which he left an impression. Football coaches are a different breed.  You can't quite define it, but you know a football coach when you see one.  Coach Harrison, Alston, Massey, and Thompson all played a huge part in growing me as a person, and I barely even played; plus, our team had from my estimation three times the number of players Courtney's team did. So, after watching both he and his players struggle for words following the last game, it's safe to say he left a mark on those kids. In addition to all of that he offered them an opportunity to taste something with which they were not familiar, winning. I can safely say there is no better feeling as a high school guy than celebrating a big win in the locker room with your teammates.  Even though you may hate the music that is blaring out of the busted JBL Stereo, you don't care.  Everyone is so fired up, and you were just glad to contribute no matter how small your contribution was.  These kids got to experience the joy of winning a division championship, and that is a memory that lasts forever. Truth be told that camaraderie is what most guys miss the most after their playing days are done. That's why we swap all those stories, not because we are living in the past but because it was such a meaningful experience (We can't say you're living in the past when you reminisce about your wedding).  The truth is even if he were being completely self-serving, the greater good was achieved.  If there were more Bill Courtney's in the world, I am pretty confident it would be a better place.

My name is Jeffrey, and these are my thoughts... 

Jesse Eisenberg is a Hero, and I hate Romina Puga

So apparently this video is making its way around the ultranet and is apparently giving Jesse Eisenberg some bad press.  The "interviewer" is the lovely and "talented" Romina Puga (we'll delve into her more in just a moment).  She is conducting an interview for Univision and is simply doing a first-class job, might I add.  I only have one quick question, why does this make Eisenberg look, and I quote Puga "mean"?

First let's start with the video.  Before I even got to the first question of the interview, I knew immediately I would not be siding with the star reporter.  The premise of her segment is that she has famous people say her name into the camera and then conducts her segment brilliantly titled, "Say My Name".  Get it?  You see what she did there?  They say her name, in a segment titled "Say My Name".  Brilliant.  The spirit of Cronkite and Brokaw live on through work like this.

Seriously though, how wildly narcissistic do you have to be to do this?  You are so in love with yourself that you think it is a clever idea to have people who have actually accomplished things in life, say your name to start an interview.  I hate her.  I don't even know her, but I already know I hate her.  It is people like her that diminish society.

Now onto the actual interview itself.  First she referes to Morgan Freeman as "Freeman" as if she were broadcasting a baseball game, and Freeman were the starting pitcher.  Strike one, sweetheart.  After Eisenberg calls her out on this, she becomes noticeably flustered primarily, because she does not have any actual wit or discernable ability.  She is just another really good looking chick that thinks she is God's gift to the world (In fairness she probably believes that she is actually funny and clever because guys have been forced to fake laugh at her attempts at humor in the hopes of sleeping with her.), but actually brings nothing at all to the table.

Next, she decides to put that high powered creativity to use by conducting an illusion of all illusions, the classic "Moveable Thumb".  You see this move was incredibly clever because Eisenberg is promoting a movie in which he plays a magician, so she thought she would show off some of her "skills" too.  She honestly makes Gob from Arrested Development look like a good magician.  Strike two.

Then Eisenberg, being someone who has played one of the smartest men alive and someone of decent intellect himself, procedes to crush her horrible attempt at being clever.  After realizing that Eisenberg is not amused, she then proceeds to put the attention on him and asks him to show her a trick handing him a deck of cards.  Eisenberg responds with one of the greatest live insults I've ever witnessed.  He calls her the Carrot Top of interviewers.  And boom she goes down on three pitches.  Take the walk of shame back to the dugout sweetie.  Better luck next time?

(Actually not sure this was as great of an insult as I originally thought.  According to celebritynetworth.com, Carrot Top is worth over $75 million.  Holy $*@% That hack is worth $75 million?!?  If she makes even a 1/4 of that over her "career", she would have more money than I will ever see if I could live 8 lives.  Maybe she should have thanked him for the compliment...)

After trying to sabotage his trick, he professionally finishes the card trick.  The card trick provides some of the greatest moments of discomfort the internet has ever given us.  She admits that she is trying to rush through the interview because he is making her want to cry.  He then tells her not to cry because it will seem like he is the reason she is crying (not her wild incompetence and lack of professionalism).

Puga then posted the video with the caption, "Jesse Eisenberg is mean".  So, there you have it folks.  Jesse Eisenberg is mean is the story, not her being a wildly incompetent and unprofessional journalist.  Jesse you've got a friend here.  You're the victim, not her.  She is an absolute smoke, so I am sure she will land on her feet, at least until her looks fade, and then is forced to live with what I assume is one of the worst realizations any hot chick faces, the thought that no one wants to sleep with you any more and you are rendered useless to society.   The story should be Jesse Eisenberg wastes his time with a useless interview and absolutely (and rightfully so) crushed a terrible reporter.  Here's to you bro, keep fighting.

My name is Jeffrey, and these are my thoughts...

The Great Gatsby Sucked, and I Am Offended

           Generally when it comes to critics' opinions, I take them with a grain of salt. Why?  Because I hate when blowhards tell me something is good and assume I am not intelligent enough to form my own opinion.  I am sick and tired of hearing about how good Girls is and hearing that Lena Dunham is a genius and voice of a generation. Dunham was given a $3.5 million advance for a book from Random House.  Let me put that into perspective. That number is the 13^th largest book advance OF ALL TIME! All freaking time…Are you kidding me?!? She is in the category with Jerry Seinfeld, Hillary and Bill Clinton, J.K. Rowling, and somehow, equally upsetting Amanda Knox (Side note, the reason all of these murder trials of women killing their significant others are so widely covered is because every woman secretly fantasizes about killing her man right? What other explanation is there? Because let me let you in on a little secret ladies, no guy cares at all about these trials, not a single one,  not even Dr. Drew.  He simply covers them because he knows y’all will watch.  And right now he needs someone to watch.).  Also, just to let y’all in on another cold hard fact, most people don’t really like Girls, but no one can really say anything because you come off looking like a sexist.  Well, this hero is not afraid.  Go on everyone; tell me how dumb I am.  I have the truth on my side.  Girls averaged fewer than 700,000 viewers this year.  Just to put that into perspective, every single CW drama including Beauty and the Beast, Nikita, and Hart of Dixie, bested that number (Seriously hadn’t even heard of half of these shows, and they all bettered if not doubled and tripled Girls ratings).  Girls isn’t funny.  The only redeeming aspect of this show is that I get to look at Brian Williams’ daughter for a quarter of the time.  

But Jeffrey, it was nominated for Best Comedy at the Emmy’s!  Yeah, well so was Glee.  If you can honestly look yourself in the mirror and tell yourself that Girls is as funny as Curb Your Enthusiasm, Seinfeld, and Arrested Development, then I just feel sorry for you.  But with that being said, hats off to the critics because they absolutely nailed Baz Luhrmann’s The Great Gatsby.  This film was not just an atrocity, but this was a Chernobylesque atrocity. 

I have never given up on a movie 60 seconds into the first scene, not even Catwoman, Spiderman 3, Pirates of the Caribbean 3, any of the M. Night Shyamalan movies post Unbreakable, etc.  That was until last night when I gave up on Gatsby in the first scene.  Nick Carrraway retelling the story of Gatsby from a psyche ward sealed this movie’s fate.  The notion that Nick Carraway has the greatest summer of his life but has to deal with his shady buddy being shot and killed at the end of it, would send him to the funny farm, isn’t just a stretch, it’s the world’s biggest Stretch Armstrong.

Let me get this straight.  He had just graduated from Yale, was working on Wall Street, going to the biggest parties in New York, drinking and schmoozing with high society for little to no money, hooking up with a hot professional golfer (surprisingly the least believable aspect of the equation is that a hot, successful, female golfer exists) amongst other genetically gifted females, and somehow winds up depressed because of all of this?  Yeah right.  The only way you get depressed by this fact is that you realize you will never ever have that opportunity ever again.  It’s the same depression everyone goes through once they leave college.  Sad yes, but it doesn’t send you to the house that Amanda Bynes built.  

Next, I am supposed to believe that Nick Carraway is an alcoholic when he claimed that prior to the greatest summer any bro could ever imagine, he had only been drunk once? That is insulting.  And I for one good sir am offended.  So right then and there, I knew we were heading in a direction that I was not going to enjoy.

Then, enter the Jay-Z.  Yes you read that correctly, Jay-Z.  A movie that is a retelling of the Jazz Age included “Izzo” amongst many other of his “culturally significant” hits.  Hats off to Jay-Z though, he not only included his own hits to get even more royalty checks, but he also included a cover of one of his wife’s songs, so as to make sure he could add even more net worth to his empire.  That is one of the coldest business moves ever, well done.  Somewhere George Gershwin and Fletcher Henderson are rolling in their graves thinking that their music was being accompanied by H to the Izzo.

Now enter Carry Mulligan.  I am not sure when we decided that this chick has to be the lead in every significant film, but I would like to know just when that vote was taken, and where the hell was I?  It’s not that she is terrible or anything, but she is incredibly mediocre and warrants even more unmerited hype than her husband’s band does (Don’t get me wrong, I tap my toes to the occasional Mumford and Sons’ song, but seriously the hype around that band is mind-blowing.  Don’t believe me? Just check your social media when they play a show near anywhere you know anyone. You will have to sift through like 38,000 mentions in the first 10 minutes alone.). 

Now bring me DiCaprio.  Ah yes, the multi-talented Leonardo Dicaprio, he shall restore my faith in everything again, except he didn’t.  Instead quite the opposite happened.  I spent most of his screen time questioning whether or not Leo is actually overrated.  Sure he has had notable roles in many good films and is accepted as one of the best actors of his generation.  But does that mean that he is so?  I found myself realizing there’s not much to him.  He basically does the same thing in every movie.  He carries himself in a manner that says, “I am a star”, then in dramatic moments he speaks softly, then raises his voice to attempt to increase the moment, before finally slowly and emphatically repeating his last sentence so as to hammer home the drama.  Look it up seriously.  He does this in Titanic, The Departed, The Aviator, etc.  I leave Django out of this because that role was incredible, but I determined that had less to do with Leo and more to do with Tarantino.  Don’t believe me?  Ask yourself one question.  Could someone else have played that role?  The honest answer is yes.  I am not saying anyone could have handled that role, but there are at least 10 actors in Hollywood that could have done that role.  Now ask yourself, could someone else have played Christoph Waltz’s role.  The answer is no.  There is a difference. (In fairness to Leo though, he was still jobbed at the Oscars.  His performance was emotional and moving.  You could help but awe at him.  Alan Arkin and Robert DeNiro’s performances were just their being them. That’s not a performance.)  Leo is a good actor, but he is not a great actor.  I stand by this claim. 

Leo looks great on screen and has that “star” quality, but I still feel he did not capture the essence of Gatsby.  Fitzgerald’s Gatsby dazzles and wonders.  You root for him the whole book because you believe he truly is the grand character he worked so hard to create.  You see past others’ doubts because he is just that amazing. You root for Leo’s Gatsby because Tom is just so despicable.  The film has to place Tom in confrontation more with Gatsby than the book does just to emphasize that point.  Fitzgerald’s Gatsby wins you over on his own, but Leo’s is dependent on the effort (or lack thereof) of others.

I am sure there are others who will vehemently disagree with everything I just said, and that is fine.  That’s the point.  It’s all just opinion.  But don’t make the mistake of believing all opinions are equal.  Remember every Adam Sandler movie makes well over $100 million dollars.  Now I am not saying Gatsby was as bad as Jack and Jill and that my opinion is superior, but seriously let’s all just agree on one thing, Lena Dunham is not funny and neither is Girls.  My name is Jeffrey, and these are my thoughts…

Rating System: Since everyone gives out stars for reviews, I am going to hand out the number of Tyler Perry’s movies I would want to see instead of watching the movie I reviewed, so the system will be reversed.  The fewer the Tyler Perry movies the reviewed movie receives, the better the reviewed movie is.  So without further ado,

The Great Gatsby receives 4 Tyler Perry movies.  

I Hate the Kardashians, and You can too...

So if you follow me on Twitter you know I hate the Kardashians. (Am I using that forum appropriately?)  But outside of the obvious reasons to hate them, I came across this gem.  Apparently, the Kardashians were a little perturbed that the President doesn’t like the idea of his 13 and 10 year-old girls watching their “reality show”.  Really?!? This comes as a shock to you?

Shrek, I mean Khloe responded, “I don’t understand.  He like told me he liked the show when I visited the White House!!! Seriously, you guys he did!” (I’m paraphrasing a bit, but look it up.  I’m pretty close) Ok, I mean I was pretty confident these chicks were dumb, but now I have evidence.  Seriously, just because you are trying to make it sound as if you were a distinguished guest to the White House, when in fact, the only reason you were there is that your husband (who must have INCREDIBLY low standards) was invited along with the rest of Kobe’s coattail riders, I mean the Lakers.  Also your being a “celebrity” does not mean that you are above The President of the United States bestowing upon you disingenuous pleasantries.  When my grandmother asks me if I like the raw celery with pimento cheese she makes every Thanksgiving and Christmas, I pretty much do the same.  IT’S CALLED BEING POLITE.  Actually, never mind, it makes perfect sense that she would have no grasp of this concept.

But, fortunately the battle did not stop there.  No, these talentless fame whores would defend themselves.  Seriously, is there anything better than when talentless and unintelligent fame whores defend themselves? I like to think of this as the opening of hunting season for me.  “The girls could really learn something by watching the show because it shows girls facing real life problems: health, relationships the whole gamut.” Oh. Dear. Lord.  This one quote is like a wounded gazelle on the Serengeti. It is just begging to be eaten alive.  There’s so much in there, and it is only 23 words, very Hemmingway of you Shrek. Well done. I’m so excited that I don’t know where to really begin, but let’s start with the absurdity of the situation.

The Kardashians are shocked to discover that the President and First Lady, who hold a combined 4 DEGREES FROM IVY LEAGUE INSTITUTIONS AND ARE BOTH LICENSED LAWYERS, might be a little bit apprehensive to let their 10 and 13 year olds watch a “reality” show that chronicles: your experiences getting plastic surgery and botox, your dealings with the hardships that come following your sex tape being released to the public, your getting knocked up by a leach/total douche (Actually truth be known, Scott you’re OK in my book.  You use their fame whore cluelessness to your own gain.  Life gave you lemons, and you made yourself a lemon drop martini.  Here’s to you…), or about how life is SOOOOOOO hard for you? Really? This is shocking to you?  Allow me to break it down for you.  See this is where the leader of the free world might have an issue.  A combined one college degree has been earned amongst the wonderful mother and three precious princesses.  And no it wasn’t the mother.  Kortney (the one who’s actually somewhat attractive until you remember the fact she’s a Kardashian) holds the distinguished degree in Theater Arts from the University of Arizona. Please hold your applause until the end.  Kim attended Marymount High School and graduated.  My personal favorite though is dear sweet beloved Shrek.  She had to leave Marymount High because she had trouble fitting through the doors, I mean, fitting in.  So… wait for it, wait for it, she graduated from home school with HONORS. (Not kidding look it up.  Seriously Shrek were you voted most popular too?) So, for a man who was the editor and president of the Harvard Law Review, one can see how he might be slightly skeptical that there is really anything to be “learned” from your enlightened selves.  But Jeffrey, there are some many other kinds of smart other than book smart! Touché…But recognizing and exploiting your have new found fame, thanks to a sex tape you made with Moesha’s little brother, does not make you intelligent, it makes you a prostitute. Seriously, you can justify and rationalize it anyway you want, but the cold hard truth is if you have a sex tape floating around through cyber space, you’re a whore.  Something tells me that the President isn’t hoping his daughters will learn the valuable lesson of how a sex tape can make you a star over night.

Second, while one can’t argue that the Obama girls could learn from observing how other high profile children grew up and dealt with scrutiny, I doubt the President hoped that his daughters would one day learn from the set of children who are high profile because their dad read OJ’s suicide note and also helped him escape justice for committing you know, murder.  But for the sake of argument, let’s say he was using blow again and under the impression his girls could learn from these “real life girls”. 

First, according to Shrek, they could learn about health. What better place to learn about good health than high society Los Angeles?  If you don’t like something about yourself, you can fix that with one quick trip to your neighborhood plastic surgeon or with any of a wide variety of effective diets (aka Eating Disorders). What better lesson is there to teach the young ladies of this nation than that?  (Side note, Mr. President, you should probably celebrate their line of work because it seems to me they are the only citizens that make anything anymore.) As momma Kris so eloquently put it, “I needed a little freshening up before the wedding. Just doing what a girl’s gotta do!” (Side note ‘s after a noun can either show possession, or it can be used as a contraction to shorten the previous noun and the verb “is”, not the verb “has”.  But seriously, she’s really smart, except for the part when she has to actually prove it.)

Last but certainly not in the least, let’s take a look at the valuable lessons that can be learned from the Kardashians when dealing with relationships.  First, Khloe shows us that even if you are an incredibly disproportionate and unattractive girl, a rich NBA basketball player is still out there for you.  It also helps if you can hang around more attractive girls at a party, so that when said drunk NBA star is trying to nail some strange, he won’t notice that you resemble a DreamWorks character more so than a model.  And now time for the main event, (Sorry Kortney basically all that can be learned from you is that if you get knocked up by a tool, you basically have to keep him around for the cameras because drama is never more than a solid 3 feet away.  And after all it’s just good business sense to keep that around.) Kim.  You know what I found the most absurd about Kim’s whole “Fairytale Wedding”? (Keep in mind I did not watch a second of it because call me old fashioned, but I happen to think a 4 hour made for TV special capturing someone’s commitment for what I assumed wouldn’t last the decade to be an abomination. I think SportsCenter was on too.)  THIS WAS HER 2^ND MARRIAGE! I don’t know about your experiences with second weddings, but mine goes a little something like this.  They are usually very small intimate ceremonies that are attended by family and extremely close friends, not the Entertainment Channel and People Magazine. (See Reese Witherspoon for an example of how to go about this process, Kimmy)  This is so because people on their second marriage realize what it really is, a triumph of hope over experience. (Also, they won’t feel nearly as guilty about what to do about gifts if things don't work out yet again.)  "It didn’t work the first time because I’m a horrible and selfish person, but this time it’s going to be magical!!!" And lucrative….Kim’s fairytale wedding made her nearly $18 million dollars.  Yeah marriage sure is sacred all right.  This chick just made $18 million dollars on a SECOND WEDDING!  I don’t even want to think about what the divorce special will earn her, let alone the “A Revised Fairytale: Third Time’s the Charm Wedding Special”.  And don’t give me the defense that her mom, who is her manager, said she didn’t make anything off of the wedding.  We’ve already established her mom has as much credibility as OJ (Simpson not the breakfast refreshment that is so solid both on its own or with champagne and/or vodka.). So again the Kardashians have taught us something that we weren’t aware of before.  You can get married for a second time, throw out some nice buzz words like "fairytale" and "Kardashian", file for divorce after 72 days (seems like an acceptable number because by then people may have already forgotten about the wedding), and still laugh all the way to the bank.

So Malia and Sasha (as I’m sure you’re reading this) you can clearly see that the Kardashians and their infinite wisdom have so much to share with the world.  They can teach you about life, love, and the capitalization of undeserved fame.  But most importantly, I hope you recognize the most important lesson that the Kardashians have taught us.  There are millions of Americans out there who are clearly dumb and impressionable, and you too can exploit them to make millions upon millions of dollars.  Because after all, that is what the American Dream is all about.

My name is Jeffrey, and these are my thoughts…