Indianapolis Colts hire the Quarterback Whisperer, Brian Schottenheimer

"Which way is the end zone? I forget." We know.

Associated Press - The Indianapolis Colts hired Brian Schottenheimer as their quarterbacks coach Monday.

Schottenheimer has been coaching for 19 years, 16 in the NFL. He was Georgia's offensive coordinator and quarterbacks coach last season and spent the previous three seasons as offensive coordinator of the St. Louis Rams. He held the same position with the New York Jets for six seasons.


Schottenheimer also has coached with the Chargers, Redskins and Chiefs.

Great news, y'all. The Quarterback Whisperer is back where he belongs, the NFL. The NFL is the one league that a last name can guarantee you a gig for life, so it and BS are perfect for each other. In no other profession other than maybe meteorology can you be as ineffective at your job yet still always find good work.

Let's take a look at the results that Coach BS has gotten throughout the years.

Seriously, it's like the AFC South has declared war on each other to see who can be the most incompetent. The Titans raised the bar by not only hiring a retread coach but also by hiring a retread with no history of success ever. It's this kind of bold thinking that has allowed them to lose 30 of their last 37 games.

Well, the Colts won't stand by idly and lose the upper hand. No, they had to go great creative and hire a proven bottom-third offensive mind to tutor their franchise quarterback. That should do the trick.

I'm afraid my criticism may come across as anti coach. That's not the case. I'm anti bad coach. I'm also not of the opinion that all coaches are infallible and shouldn't be questioned. Somehow, the narrative has become that coaches are smarter than they really are. If they are so brilliant, why don't they do much in their life away from football? Guys like Belichick and Saban would probably be successful in whatever they chose to do, but they chose football. However, guys like Jim Tomsula, Mike Pettine, and Houston Nutt chose football because that was their best chance to make tons of money not because they were exceptional minds.

My biggest issue with the incestuous nature of the NFL coaching ranks is that it is in direct contrast with what we love about sports. We love sports, particularly professional sports, because the best player plays (unless he likes to party, in that case Austin Davis plays.) regardless of social standing or lineage. Tom Brady isn't the quarterback of the Patriots because of who he knows or who his father is. He's the quarterback because he's the best. Sports is the ultimate meritocracy. They keep score for a reason.

I don't care for the ironic nature of the business. Coaches want the best and most from their players, yet they stick with convenience and comfort on their staffs regardless of past success or usually lack there of. 

Brian Schottenheimer would be the first person to tell you that his success and job standings in the NFL has nothing to do with his last name, and sadly I actually agree. While he probably wouldn't have gotten the initial opportunity without his last name, he continues to get work because he has had work because once you're in NFL coaching, you're in as long as you want to work.   

Underrated Banger of the Week: Goo Goo Dolls - "Broadway"

Not getting their proper due is basically the story of the Goo Goo Dolls. They had arguably the single biggest radio hit in the 90s with "Iris" and yet somehow aren't that rich. 

Johnny Rzeznik is only worth $14 million. Let that be a lesson to you youngsters out there. Don't get married before you get famous because you will be getting a divorce, and life ain't fair. She's leaving with half.

Rachel Bilson is worth more money than he is. That's so sad.

Any who, Broadway is an absolute banger than never really got its due. It peaked at only No. 24 on the Hot 100 and never really resonated with radio. Still doesn't change the fact that the song is an absolute banger, and Goo knew it too as it made their Greatest Hits album. 

We Can Now Officially Knock Off the Sean Penn is a Hero Chatter

"Oops, Sorry. I was just thinking about myself."

New York Times - The actor Sean Penn said he has “a terrible regret” that the capture of the Mexican drug lord known as El Chapo has distracted from his article in Rolling Stone, which he had hoped would start a national conversation about the war on drugs.

“My article has failed,” Mr. Penn told the CBS host Charlie Rose in an interview to be broadcast Sunday on “60 Minutes.” An excerpt was released Friday.

Mr. Penn denied that his meeting with Mr. Guzmán had contributed to his subsequent capture. He said he believed the Mexican government said it had tracked his visit in part because they wanted to blame him and to encourage the cartel to put him in their cross hairs.

“There is this myth about the visit that we made, my colleagues and I, with El Chapo, that it was — as the Attorney General of Mexico is quoted — ‘essential’ to his capture,” Mr. Penn said. “We had met with him many weeks earlier, on October 2nd, in a place nowhere near where he was captured.”

So for those who don't know, I hate Sean Penn. Like legitimately hate him. He's probably my least favorite American. He believes knows that his opinion should could more than yours because he has been to Iraq. Please tell us more, Sean.

Last Saturday night, the story about Penn's interviewing the mass-murdering drug lord broke, and I fired off this Tweet which consequently showed everything that is wrong with America from both sides. Delusional leftists believed that said murder indeed demanded more respect that a Republican and delusional right wingers somehow brought Obama into the discussion. What a world!

However, the occasional person dropped the note that Penn's interview was directly related to the capture of Guzman and that Penn was somewhat of a hero in an "ends justify the means". I'm a results-oriented guy, so I had to bite my tongue on that one.

Well not any more. Suck it Twitter. He was no hero. He had met Guzman months before and not peep came from it. He had no intention whatsoever of bringing this man to justice. Quite the opposite really, he wanted to further his own agenda because that's what he does. Wise and all-knowing Sean knows best. He's not a hero. He's a raging narcissist. The world can now go back to as it was.

Ben McAdoo, Fashion Icon

In case you missed it, Ben McAdoo absolutely murdered his suit in his introductory press conference today. He really nails the Midwestern cut.

All jokes aside, what were people expecting? This is a man that rocks Oakley half jackets and sports a goatee at 38. Those guys don't exactly have their closets lined with Armani, Zegna, and Vanquish. And you know what? I dig it. I want my football coach concerned with football not fashion. And that's just what Ben McAdoo is all about. Let's look at his greatest hits.

How many guys ever put together a game winning game plan at Bloomingdales? That's what I thought. Keep doing you McAdoo.

A Microcosm of the 2015-16 Memphis Grizzlies Through the Art of Vine

Welp, here we are, folks. We've officially hit the point where we're so desperate for anything positive with the Grizzlies that even ineptitude followed by a mix of skill and more luck is cause to celebrate.




Listen, I get that Chalmers was attempting to miss the free throw in order to win the game, but that isn't the point. The point is that it's taking a decent-to-healthy amount of luck even to beat the mediocre teams right now. That is the tagline of the 2015-16 Grizzlies. The roster is limited. It can only win games one way, ugly and with a little luck (depending on the opponent, a lot of luck). The games have to be ugly, and almost everything has to go to script for them to win against .500 or better teams.

The bigger issue is that the Grizzlies have to keep winning with a limited roster on both the injury and talent fronts because any finish outside of the playoffs eliminates a draft pick for a team that isn't getting any younger. Well, at least we're playing the younger guys and have hope for tomorrow...

Who's Next? Celebrity Deaths come in threes

Source - Actor Alan Rickman, known for films including Harry Potter, Die Hard and Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves, has died at the age of 69, his family has said.

The star had been suffering from cancer, a statement said.

He became one of Britain's best-loved acting stars thanks to roles including Professor Snape in the Harry Potter films and Hans Gruber in Die Hard.

First, way to bury the lede and leave out his work in Galaxy Quest.

Second, the death of Rickman is actually very sad because he was a "no plays off" guy. He obviously brought his star to a whole new audience with the Harry Potter series, but anytime he was on the screen he was always good. To me that's the mark of a great actor.

However, the bigger issue at hand is we are now officially in crisis mode. I joking thought to myself, "I wonder who will be next" after reading about the death of David Bowie, and unfortunately Mr. Rickman was. Noteably, both suffered from cancer and both died at the age of 69.

Then the spirit of Murrow and Cronkite filled me, and I headed straight for google to locate celebrities that are 69 because as we all know, celebrity deaths come in threes.

Panic immediately ensued as names like Steven Spielberg, Eugene Levy, Sally Field, Pat Sajak (Holy shit! That dude is 69? Who knew?), Suzanne Somers (Still would), Daryl Hall (Live at Daryl's House is a sneaky great show), Susan Sarandon, Charles Dance (fingers crossed somehow Tywin comes back), Oliver Stone (Say what you want about the man's sanity, but I want to see Snowden), Tommy Lee Jones, Sylvester Stallone, Cher, Gallagher, THE Reverend Al Green, Danny Glover, Ed O'Neil, and Liza Minelli (Who I still don't get why is famous. Sure your mom was Dorthy, but I don't see what that means I have to fight back vomit whenever you're on the screen in Arrested Development.).

Ironically, Bill Clinton, George W. Bush, and Donald Trump are all 69. I wouldn't have ever guessed that. I also, don't know how I would have guessed if I had to rank them by age. either, but I digress.

The bigger issue here is that we have to identify who is next. Obviously we have some no touch people for the Big Man Upstairs as they're still producing for us. Spielberg, Tommy Lee Jones, Daryl Hall, Oliver Stone, Sylvester Stalone, and Ed O'Neil all fall into that category, so we have to save them.

I don't want to insult God by offering up Gallagher or Cher because I feel like he might get so offended that he would take two more instead of just one. We can't have that. Too many good names are still out there on the board.

Which leaves us with only one choice. Susan Sarandon, you're on the clock. Not only is she 69 years of age, but also she has been one in the Biblical sense with David Bowie and she has played a woman dying of cancer in Stepmom which is basically the same thing.

Listen, I don't wish death upon anyone, but facts are facts. These deaths come in threes and there's only one obvious choice. I hope she has her affairs in order because she has like 48-72 hours to live. May she go in peace. She will be missed.

PS - Kinda glad that she and Tim Robbins broke up because I would hate for him to be so upset that his work deteriorates because dude still has his fastball. He's hilarious in The Brink if you haven't seen it.



  

Tonight in Bill Walton

What a treasure Bill Walton is. Part of me doesn't even think that he was joking when he had to ask Pasch if Dave was indeed his first name. Late night hoops is Walton's World, and we're just allowed to live in it.

Other highlights from the night include:

• His calling Green Day, a band that has already been inducted into the Rock N' Roll Hall of Fame, "the future". 
• His consistently talking over his partner.
• His accusing his partner of avoiding him.
• His telling Pasch that "This is TV".
• His asking Pasch if he does anything other than "read the cards".
• His referring to Deshaun Watson as the "that quarterback of the orange team" and O.J. Howard as "that guy on the white team".
• His adding "the conference of champions" after any mention of the Pac-12.
• Generally using bully-like tactics against Pasch.
• His not understanding why SMU is ineligble