The Worst Time of the Year is Quickly Approaching

It's that time of year where we only have one meaningful football game left, and the TV lineup is starting to legitimately stink. We're still months away from HBO's Murders Row of Spring Programing of Thrones/Silicon Valley/Veep/And the always forgotten yet always entertaining Last Week Tonight with John Oliver. I simply can't even remotely bring myself to care about college basketball yet, and my NBA team is in a hopeless place where it will make the playoffs, but the roster is aging and hope is fading.

February blows. It's an awful month with terrible weather, and a painful reminder that not only are you single but more importantly, you are as far away as possible on the calendar from football. Plus as the years go on and so too does my waistline, summer is becoming less enjoyable by the day.

I'm in a dark place, and when I find myself in times of trouble, mother betting speaks to me. 

Seriously, I don't know why or how, but every single year about this time, the end of football sends me into an emotional panic, and I feel like I have to bet on anything and everything in sight. But, here's the worst part. I get gun shy. I find bets that I love and don't bet them, and then every bet that I do make on a Monday night basketball game, I lose. It's like clockwork. Fact, I win every bet that I never place.

Last night for instance, I loved Golden State (-5) at home against the Spurs, absolutely loved it. I actually wanted to marry it. However, that little demon in my brain told me, "You can never bet against Pop in a big game,". You can guess how it went.

I was then given a tip to lay the points with Furman last night who also covered with ease, but you know the story. I was in the middle of recording a show and didn't get the bet in in time. So is life. 

Only one thing to do. Keep calm and bet on.

Three Despicable Violent Criminals Recreate Shawshank and Escape

(Source) - A prosecutor pursuing a case against one of the three men who broke out of a Southern California prison reacted: "Oh, my God, they let Hannibal Lecter out."

Hossein Nayeri, a former Marine who had escaped to his native Iran in 2012, faces charges of kidnapping, torture, aggravated mayhem and burglary. Deputy District Attorney Heather Brown told The Orange County Register the man is "diabolical... sophisticated, incredibly violent and cunning.”

Brown says Nayeri helped kidnap a marijuana dealer in 2012, burned him with a blow torch and forced another suspect cut off the dealer's penis because Nayeri thought the man had buried money in the desert. Soon afterwards, investigators say he left for Iran, but they caught him while he was on his way to Spain to visit family.


The three men sawed through a quarter-inch-thick grill on a dormitory wall and got into plumbing tunnels before sawing through half-inch-thick steel bars as they made their way behind walls to an unguarded area of a roof atop a five-story building. There, they moved aside razor wire and rappelled to the ground using the bed linen.

Wow, talk about a moral dilemma here. On the one hand I LOVE a prison escape story, while on the other, I would prefer not to have a psychopathic, violent criminal leading the brigade. At first I thought the comparison to Hannibal Lector was a bit much, but then I read that he burned a man with a blow torch and allowed it.

Why can't life imitate art? We're completely fine with Andy Dufresne's escaping Shawshank because he shouldn't have been in there in the first place, but when someone actually escapes a prison in real life, he has to be a diabolical, violent criminal.

For once I wish I could just have my cake and eat it too. Why can't we have a group of escapees who were all wrongly convicted of something trivial, like not paying a speeding ticket that collected interest and forces a lifetime sentence. I really want to pull for the escapees, but these guys are despicable. All three have attempted murder charges and are violent felons.

Sigh. It turns out that prison is mostly filled with bad guys. Go figure.

Lookout Bitcoin! There's a New Currency That's Hot in the Streets

Full disclosure, I was perusing the Internet looking at arenas that had been built recently because I'm a sociopath. I was legitimately rooting for the Rams and Chargers to move to LA so that I could see new renderings for whatever the Raiders do for a stadium. I love stadium porn. Side note, Omaha (not the city but the school) has a $81.6 million dollar arena, and LSU still plays in the PMac. That's laughable.

In my search, I noticed that Ole Miss used a strange currency to pay for their new arena. Apparently, a football recruit can be used to pay for building costs. Recruiting season never disappoints.

PS - If the cost of one recruit could cover a new arena, everyone would have a new arena, something that I'm not opposed to. I could put spankbank on hold for a while and just use fly through renderings of all the new venues. Fingers crossed.

The Internet is a cold, dark place, and I wish Adam Driver the best of luck

No two places -- outside of the military, perhaps -- will toughen you up and give you a thicker skin than attending boys' school in your formative years or having a job on the Internet. The only thing as ruthless as pubescent boys is an anonymous message board or comments section. I have done both. #Blessed.

Welp, the latest target of for the Internet is none other than Adam Driver AKA Kylo Ren.

I'll be the first to admit that as soon as Ren took off his helmet and exposed his face, my first thought was, "Man, those are Finebaums,".

Fortunately for Driver (and also one of the aspects that makes him appealing), he was in the military (Marines) and didn't achieve fame until much later in life, so he doesn't seem to take himself too seriously. Either way, it looks like we will only see more of these memes as his star begins to grow, and more importantly as he makes more Star Wars Movies.

Suicide Squad Trailer Number Two Thoughts

OK, first things first, I am 100 percent going either to need to wear dark pants while watching Robbie as Harley Quinn, or I'm going to need a private screening, something which I can't afford. So, dark jeans it is.

It's simply not fair that the actress that I currently find the hottest on the planet is playing the fictional character that I find the hottest. We all have a default type. Mine is blonde and awful, covered in insanity. AKA Harley Quinn.

However, I have legitimate concerns here. Why on earth is David Ayers not having Robbie use her Jersey/New Yorker accent that Quinn is famous for? We already know she can kill it.

Seriously, I don't understand this move. It cheats the character. We immediately assume every chick with that accent is insane, just like everyone assumes that anyone with a Southern accent is immediately stupid. It's just good science.

Now on to the rest of the movie which appears to be a train wreck because there is way too much going on, way too many cooks in the kitchen.  

Unfortunately, I had a hunch that Heath Ledger's performance has forever ruined any hope we have for another electric Joker performance, and this trailer confirms my suspicions. Jack Nicholson's Joker was great because Nicholson is great, and he just played himself in face paint. Ledger's Joker was great because he hit the heart of the character. He has is great because he is the antithesis of Batman. He has no moral compass because he is amoral, not because he's completely batshit insane, which is pretty obviously what Jared Leto's Joker is going for in Suicide Squad.

It's not Leto's fault either. I hope the pay day was too much to turn down because even if I were an Oscar-winning actor like Leto, you can't win in this role. Ledger's performance is too fresh in everyone's mind, largely because it's on basic cable every six hours and even if you don't like comic book movies, you like Ledger's performance and have seen it. No one wants to see the kiddy, pun-using prankster version of the Joker either, so Leto only has two choices. Either he just does a knockoff Ledger, much like Tim Roth did with Christoph Waltz in Hateful Eight, or he has to go completely over the top. Hence, we see the Joker swimming in a bed of knives. Thanks, but no thanks.

Overall, I think the trailer did what trailers do now, show us the whole movie in two-and-half minutes, but I owe it to Robbie to give her my $10. It feels like it's going to be a solid 6. Whatever, see you in August, my flame, my muse.    

This Week in FIGJAM: Mickelson returns to action

Golf Digest - We  begin with a disclosure: When you ask folks in all walks of golf life a personal question, it's only fair to answer it yourself. The question was this: "How much cash do you have on you... and why?"

Cash is still king, right?

Even in this age of credit cards and electronic banking, people still carry cash. OK, well, most people.

I had $182 when I stopped Golf Channel's Brandel Chamblee at the Open Championship last summer at St. Andrews. To Chamblee's credit, he was forthcoming. (One major champion declined—old school.) Chamblee, a former PGA Tour player, was carrying $80, plus £70. "I usually carry about $300," he said. "I'm not extravagant.

"I mean, if this is a contest, then Phil Mickelson is going to win it."

Later came a text, Phil following up: $6,500 in $100s and $1,600 in $20s. $8,100 total.

Huge week for us Phil Phans as he returns to action this week at La Quinta, and what better way to celebrate than a story of about how outrageous he is with money?

Phil is what we as white people should aspire to be. We should keep pictures of him in our doorways just like the North Koreans do with Supreme Leader.

Rich and successful on his own merit? Yup. Elite-level golfer? Check. Owns his own Jet? Sure does. Degenerate gambler? Who's asking? Suspected of insider trading? Hey, he always plays a tip. Incessantly whines about taxes? Oh yeah. Carries close to 65 $100 bills in his wallet while also carrying another 80 $20s? You betcha.

I'm so sick and tired of truly rich people having to act like they're not. F off, Cuban. You have 10 figures next to your name. You can lose the t-shirt and cargos.

Phil never even pretends to be anything other than filthy rich, and unlike guys like Ian Poulter, it somehow makes him endearing. It just goes to show how far a smile can go, whether it be fake or not. Poulter? Douche. Phil? Hero.

Welcome back FIGJAM. Missed you.

PS - STEVE BURKOWSKI, Golf Channel announcer: $2,000. "That's a bit higher than normal. It's usually about $500, but I know there's a casino about 20 miles from here, and I figured I might want to check it out."

Welcome to Team Little Fella, Steve. You can play on my team anytime you'd like.

Today in fan is short for fanatic: Clemson edition (NSFW)

Couple of thoughts, first, show me a better power stance than this guy's. You can't. #NoDaysOff on squats.

Second, this video basically why the rest of the country doesn't understand the South. We willingly chose to drink Natty Light, dip using clear water bottles as our spitter so that all can enjoy the experience, and take college football way too seriously.

For my Southern brethren, this is why we are constantly a punchline. Well, that and it's socially acceptable to shit on the South because people that we never knew decided that slavery was a good idea 500 years ago. It's these videos that resonate with us all that make us seem like a different world to them.

We all know this guy, and we all have one like him in our crew. Here's to you, bro. May the road rise to meet you, and may the sun shine warmly on your back. May your days be merry and bright.

PS - He's clearly the smartest guy in his crew because not only was he the only person not drinking Natty in the shot but also he was the only person using a Yeti Koozie, the gold standard in Koozies. Seriously, if you don't have one, get one, and thank me later.

PPS - This is pretty much the end. We can't even watch sports with our friends any more in privacy. Gone are the days when you could lost in the moment and not have to worry about the world seeing your inner thighs. Goddam NSA...