Oscar Gift Bags Worth $220,000 Are So Hollywood It Hurts

(Fox) - Sex toys, breast enhancements, and Japanese walking vacations are just some of the gifts included in this year's $220,000 Oscar swag bag.

Compiled by gift bag company Distinctive Assets, the six-figure haul is for the Hollywood type who has everything. Well, at least the best actor nominee, best actress nominee, best supporting actor nominee, best supporting actress nominee, and best director nominee who has everything. (Sorry costume designers and cinematographers and documentary filmmakers and everyone else!)

Here are some of the highlights.

The Vampire Breast Lift, at a listed value of $1,900, uses a woman's own blood to "revive rounder cleavage."

Silvercar, at a value of $45,000, gives you a year's supply of Audi A4 rental cars. 

Walk Japan offers any of their popular 15-day walking tours, valued at a whopping $54,000. It is one of several free vacations included.

Nuelle's Fiera Arouser for Her retails for $250, and ... we'll just leave it at that.


But not every gift is odd or out of reach. Exhibit A: A tube of Chapstick, valued at $6. Which, come to think of it, is still pretty expensive for Chapstick.

The Oscar gift bags are so Hollywood it hurts -- everything from sex toys, to breast enhancement, to ridiculous walking tours of Japan that probably "center them with the universe", to fast cars, and of course, overpriced chapstick.

The gift bag somehow managed to capture the essence of Hollywood as a microcosm: expensive, horny, and completely devoid of reality. Well done, Distinctive Assets. Well done.

Clemson Defenders Have Been Tagging Thomas Edison Himself, Baker Mayfield, in Instagram Posts

Ruthless move by the first losers, here. Truth be told I was actually starting to warm up to the Taylor Swift of College Football, but not anymore. This is an unforgivable offense. People have been tried for lesser crimes. I won't stand for this kind of cyber bullying, no sir, not on my watch.

You don't come after Mr. Electricity and leave unscathed. Ben Boulware, I choose you.

Here's a look of all the plays he made in the national title game. He wears No. 10 and is the one who makes no plays.

   

Let this be a lesson to everyone in college football. If you come after my boy, I will come after you, and I don't fight fair. I will find every play that you didn't make in the biggest game of your life and use it against you. #BadBoyLife

Trey Parker Thought "Make Love, Not Warcraft" Was So Bad That It Would Ruin South Park's Legacy

(CinemaBlend) - Not every episode of South Park is a hit, and not every episode of South Park is a miss. However, every week without fail, South Park co-creator Trey Parker has to be talked down off the ledge regarding the quality of an episode the Comedy Central animated series has produced. In a recent interview, he explained what happened the one time South Park produced an episode that he thought was so remarkably bad that he basically lost it. Here’s what he had to say:  

"Every Tuesday, Matt (Stone) and Anne (Garefino) know they have to talk me off the cliff. Every show, I’m like, ‘This is a horrible show, I don’t want anyone to see it.’ There’s one episode we did, it was the first show of the season, and I’m like, I’ve lost it. I don’t know how to do this anymore. I was like, please, I was begging Anne, ‘Do not let this go on the air, because I don’t want the South Park legacy to be ruined, and this show is going to ruin it, because it’s so bad and I’m just going to feel terrible.’ We just ended up going, it’s just got to go on the air, Trey.  I just went home and was depressed and couldn’t sleep, and I got in the next day and they’re like, dude, people really like that show. And it was the show about World of Warcraft."

As Trey Parker continues to note to SBS2 Australia, it was the  World of Warcraft-based episode that caused him so much stress. “Make Love, Not Warcraft,” is probably one of the most famous episodes of South Park ever, hitting the schedule back in 2006, when World of Warcraft was still new-ish and incredibly popular. In the episode, Carman, Kyle, Stan and Kenny get way too involved with the game, growing overweight as they drink mostly energy drinks and eat mostly Hot Pockets to get back to the game as quickly as possible. The episode is made even better because Blizzard Entertainment, which owns the World of Warcraft property, is actually involved.

Unreal, the quarterback of South Park thought that arguably one of the greatest episode in series history was so bad that it would tarnish the show's legacy and nearly sent him into depression. That's how good he is at his job. What he thinks is a poor effort is actually award-winning television.

The episode would go on to win the Emmy for best animated program under one hour, and Parker wanted to kill it. The episode truly has it all, Cartman's scheming, Randy's outrageousness, making of a point, and a tasteful diarrhea scene.

The biggest question I had when reading the article was, "How many laughs would we have missed out on had the episode never seen the light of day?". The episode might have the most laughs per second of any South Park episode because it doesn't take a single play off.

Best Exchange:

Cartman: Clyde, Clyde! [moves around his podium to talk to Clyde more directly] If you had a chance right now to go back in time and stop Hitler, wouldn't you do it? [beat] I mean, I personally wouldn't stop him because I think he was awesome, but you would, right?
Clyde: [unshaken] I'm just gonna stop playing.
Cartman: When Hitler rose to power there were a lot of people who just stopped playing. You know who those people were? The French! Are you French, Clyde?
Clyde: No.
Cartman: Voulez-vous coucher avec moi, Clyde?     

I have only one regret in life -- that Trey Parker and Matt Stone don't have more money.

Truth in Advertising

"Settle for Hillary" is basically the metaphor for US politics in 2016. Everyone sucks, so try to find the person that sucks the least.

Donald Trump's Social Experiment Rolls On

Are we officially at the point that Donald Trump's campaign has just become a huge game of Truth or Dare, and Trump refuses to pick Truth ever?

We've officially hit the point where a political candidate who has as good of a chance of winning the nomination as anyone in the field is openly calling an opponent a "pussy" in public.

Then he proceeded to go to a steakhouse and ordered a ribeye cooked well done. Has any rich guy on the planet ever done this move? I mean I completely understand liking what you like, but this has to be the first example in human history of a man who not only is rich but also grew up rich ordered beef well done past the age of 6.

The only working theory that I have for why he did this move is that he was subtly insulting the place by saying he didn't trust them to prepare a steak properly so he went safe with well done.

Honestly, I'm leaning towards that. The steak was only $54, so in fairness to Trump, he probably thought he was at Chili's. 

I'm getting closer and closer to actually believing his social experiment campaign is really just a bet with someone. Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth. We can eliminate that this is a legitimate campaign, so therefore it must either be a game or a bet. Aren't ordinary people just adorable? 

We're on to basketball

Is it bad if you make 10 bets and only win two of them?

I'm not here to dwell on the past, but you know it's not your night when Beyonce doesn't show any cleavage. That seemed like a free space.

Truth be told I just couldn't generate any offense. When your leadoff hitter doesn't doesn't get on, it's tough to score, and Lady Gage was a bad table setter. I mean she just HAD TO GO FOR THAT SECOND BRAVE. It wasn't enough to simply do a good job. She had to be Gaga.

The coin toss didn't get any better either, but that one's on me. Every ounce of empirical data said that you have to go tails there, and I went heads. Just living that bad boy life.

I'm still struggling to come to grips with the fact that a team that whose quarterback registered a 9.9 QBR and only generated 194 yards of offense won a Super Bowl by two scores, but it happened. But as I said I've already thrown this one in the trash and we're on to basketball.

Great shooters keep shooting, and no one has broken out of a slump from the bench.

UNC Greensboro and Furman over 135.5.

PS - I'll be saving these...

Welcome to the Spin Zone with Donald J. Trump

I've never been more convinced that this "campaign" is nothing more than a social experiment. In fact you can't convince me that Trump isn't running because of a bet that he made. That's how Scientology happened, you know?

However, Trump completely reinvented the spin game today. He might have produced a masterpiece, even.

Love this. Get out in front and tell the story that you want told. Don't sit back and let the story control you. That's PR 101. Also, remember to delete any Tweets from 2013, so that this can't be brought up again.

The most important lesson that Mr. Trump shows us though is that the best defense is a good offense.

"Write your own book because you can tell your story better than anyone." - Donald J. Trump